Real questionable buffoonery since 1973, also known as the AFC East:

#20 Bills: they should be called the Buffalo Buffalos, if you think about it

13 seconds is all it took to remind everybody the Bills are, and have always been, losers. You haven’t made the AFC Championship since 1993, even the Jets did that twice recently! Josh Allen stop turning the ball over you clutz.

The Buffalo Bills are an enigma wrapped in a puzzle inside of a mystery box. They’re the best Rorschach test in sports; either you see what they’re doing and the brilliance within that and the team just gets unlucky, or you see mediocrity propped up by wishful thinking and a history of being the ultimate underdog. I just have a feeling that Josh Allen is Jim Kelly (but worse) and there isn’t a Bruce Smith to join him in the pit of misery. Jim Kelly didn’t throw interceptions at every chance he got, so maybe tell Josh to stop throwing picks. I don’t know who he’s going to throw to, but that isn’t my problem, the Bills are just a glossier version of the Jets but somehow we are a laughing stock and Buffalo isn’t. But they’re the same, I know what they are underneath all of the admiration and praise lavished upon them.

What also pisses me off is that upstate New York is basically a different state than New York City and Long Island. That, and the team decided to use the buffalo as the mascot, but the nickname is “Bills.” What is a Bill, in their minds? Is that the guy Buffalo Bill? The serial killer? Is he even from Buffalo, New York? Buffalo is the name of the city… I don’t care anymore, moving on to football now. Let’s see what you added in the off-season!

No no no, what did they add to the team?

Oh wow okay, Gabe Davis too. Shit, okay, what about the defense, surely they added to that!

No clue why everybody thinks this perpetual disappointment is still a sleeper pick to win the division, the AFC, or the Super Bowl. Stefon Diggs was a drama queen but he was right: you should have thrown him the ball more often because he knew that was the only way to win. And yet that ball just sailed right over his head and into the hands of the opposing team.

Buffalo head coach and gym teacher who might get fired for selling oxy behind the school Sean McDermott seems like a useful idiot, but I think his luck runs out real quick this season. His entire defense is either hurt, gone, or gone because they got hurt, and there is nothing on the team besides Josh Allen, all the interceptions he’s going to throw, his Clark Gable mustache, your tight end, the massive amount of pressure now on his shoulders, a rookie WR and James Cook. That’s it. Also, are we sure NFL head coaches are actually doing anything? Because it feels like this report would suggest they’re just glamorized, glorified motivational speakers who don’t know how to call time-outs at the right time. Keep 9/11 out of your fucking mouth, dude, most of New York state should be relegated to Canada.

Looking over the draft for the past ten years makes my eyes glaze over, I just don’t care that any of these guys are good or not, it doesn’t really seem to matter because Patrick Mahomes plays mistake-free football and Josh Allen loves to shoot himself in the foot repeatedly like a cartoon character twirling two pistols. Having watched plenty of Jets Bills games over the years, they tend to just split the series and neither team goes far into the postseason. Again, they are the same team, just one has a better PR and marketing team. Josh Allen is not a top-five quarterback and he has no weapons anymore to bail him out with inane behavior and bad quotes.

If you can give me an interesting breakdown of the following players and why I should give a shit, please send them to the Sports Ethos Twitter account, because I cannot be bothered to critique the following guys: Ronald Darby, Shaq Lawson, Tre’Davious White, Zay Jones, Dion Dawkins, Matt Milano, Tremaine Edmunds, Ed Oliver, Devin Singletary, Dawson Knox, Zack Moss, Gab Davis, Tyler Bass, Isaiah Hodgins, Gregory Rousseau, Dalton Kincaid, Keon Coleman, and Nathan Peterman (well him I know, he sucks big elephant dick, the rest are very good players who will accomplish very little).

What can I say that’s positive? I’m glad Damar Hamlin didn’t die on an NFL field! The Bills have had more franchise QBs than the Jets ever will. And your flashy new stud wide receiver you selected in the first round… oh no, wait, you traded back. With the CHIEFS? And they got their guy, and you didn’t??? Oh no, I hope this doesn’t blow up in your face tremendously. Okay, so who did you take to be the number one option for Allen?

You better hope he’s really good, right out of the gate!!!!! Because you’ve gone from Super Bowl contenders to AFC title game contenders to division winners to playoff expectations to “a rebuilding year” with every subsequent year of the Allen era. I just looked down at my watch and back up, and he threw another soul-crushing INT. I can almost set my watch to it now!

Otherwise, I really don’t know what they should do, can do, or have done in the Josh Allen era. He got built up to go from a bad QB with great attributes into being a pretty darn good QB with accuracy issues, and super annoying diva Stefon Diggs demanded to go to an organization that is determined to get better and not worse. Good for him, this team is going nowhere fast and the only reason they rank above the rest of the AFC East is because they actually have the franchise guy. Coaching staff? Offensive weapons? Defensive identity? Continuity? Injury management? An owner everyone can see and hear from? No, none of those things. Just Allen and a tight end and James Cook, so go out there and make Buffalo proud, boys! I hope you all fail and we can advance to the 2030s where the Bills are trash again and everyone has to fight each other over drinkable water when the earth gets too hot and the seas overtake the coasts. That’s the apocalypse coming towards us at an alarming rate, and the Bills will still not be good enough when half the teams are gone because states like Florida and California are underwater.

If Buffalo couldn’t win those four straight Super Bowls they will never win one in my lifetime, and I stand by that. Thank goodness OJ Simpson is dead, maybe he was the curse holding this team back, and now that he is being tortured by Satan in the depths of hell the curse has been lifted, who knows.

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Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
1 – Chiefs
2 – Rams
3 – Eagles

Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
4 – Ravens
5 – Texans
6 – Packers
7 – Steelers
8 – Bengals
9 – Bucs
10 – Lions
11 – Seahawks

Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:
12 – 49ers
13 – Browns
14 – Cowboys
15 – Patriots
16 – Commanders

Unlucky/cursed but smarter than the remaining AFC East teams:
17 – Bears
18 – Vikings
19 – Chargers