Every NFL Team, Ranked From Smartest To Dumbest: Bengals

​

  • By Jared Russo

    Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:

    #8 Bengals: why are they not called the Tigers, or Bengal Tigers?

    Wait, this team took Michael Jordan in the 4th round in 2019????? No wait sorry, wrong Michael Jordan. I freaked out there for a moment, that would have been quite the story.

    So this entire organization has two eras that define its pathetic history: before Joe Burrow (with Boomer and Dalton) and after Joe Burrow. Let’s focus on the latter since that is our present-day reality. Guess what? He’s really fucking good! They lucked out so hard being bad enough in that one particular window of time to get him, and in the same vein of benefitting from LeBron being from Ohio, it turns out Joe Burrow is too. Well hot damn, let’s get this guy some help, huh? How about Tee Higgins? Total stud, you nailed that one too. Now pay that man his money, you dopes, Higgins would be the best pass catcher on any team who trades for him besides the Vikings and Bengals. Oh wait you’re the Bengals! Wow, good job, you should really keep him around, huh?

    Ah yes, let’s remember that silly debate about an O-lineman vs. Ja’Marr Chase for one last time. You nailed that as well, good job nameless faceless guys in the front office. Evan McPherson is the second coming of Justin Tucker, Tyler Boyd is still kicking around, and you went to a Super Bowl. A wonderful job all around. You almost won that game, too. What happened in the seasons that didn’t involve a magical Super Bowl run?

    I’ll tell you, first… oh no wait he’s down again, on the ground, poor Joe. Okay, let’s get him some help, upgrade that line, and… oh no not again he’s hurt, out for the season. All I’m trying to do is tell the people about… oh my lord, he fell down again, how does that keep happening? The guy just cannot catch a break. First, it’s being born in Ohio, and now this, what a shame. You Bengals fans better hope… oh wait hold on, a large gust of wind just blew by, is Joe okay? Somebody check on him real quick.

    In my heart, I can’t call the Bengals stupid. They win too many games (when Joe is standing upright) and continue to look impressive as the only team to beat Mahomes in the playoffs (without resorting to cheating). But it seems as though everybody who works in Cincinnati is an anonymous white guy, and their coaching staff is filled with anonymous white guys, and many of the fans are anonymous white guys. It’s just a big white haze of generic-looking dudes, so odd. I cannot name anyone who owns this team, runs this team, or coaches for this team, and neither does Joe. Where is Marvin Lewis when you need him? I liked him and Dalton, those teams were fun. Burrow getting hurt with the best wideouts in the league is NOT fun.

    Sidebar: from everything I read, and every interview I watch, Joe Burrow is the coolest mother fucker around and has ice water in his veins. He’s a cold-blooded killer, he knows his shit, he preps better than anyone, and the only thing preventing him from eviscerating the entire league’s defensive schemes is the Cincy O-Line allowing defenders to go past the turnstile and knock him down until the hospital calls and says “again with this guy?”

    I think this team knows what they’re doing. I hope so. Maybe they are? Have they upgraded this squad enough to surround Burrow with a real winner? I’m not sure, but I’d rather be them than like 26 other teams in the NFL right now, I’m sure as shit on that fact. Joe Burrow is so goddamn good, but he better not become Dan Marino 2.0 where he gets to a Super Bowl in his second year and just never gets close again despite putting up YARDS. He’ll cook you, he’ll beat your defense unless you literally have Aaron Donald, but he retired, so…

    Maybe this year? Who knows. It’ll be easier to root for this team now that they got rid of Joe Mixon, who as of the time of this writing is probably out trying to injure a child somewhere in Texas. But your offense got a little worse and your defense remains bad, and you’re in the toughest division in the league, so maybe Joe should give back some of his guaranteed money to help sign better players to get him over the hump.

    Hell, all smart players would sacrifice a few million to improve the team and win more, but most guys are not Tim Duncan and Jalen Brunson and the Miami Heatles; most players are in it for the money and don’t want to win at the highest level, and I get it. I respect it, I understand it, but don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining that giving Daniel Jones 80 trillion dollars a year is a smart investment, or that LeBron taking the max for the Lakers again means he wants to win, he doesn’t. He’s already a billionaire he doesn’t need a max deal, he needs another ring but he’s not interested. He doesn’t need the money, he just wants it; why can’t people follow his actions and not his words? Winning isn’t the priority and for most guys, it never is. Do you know how I know this? I cynically present the following:

    Joe, I beg of you, give up like a quarter of your contract, a third, to pay an actual offensive lineman to not shorten your career/life. Not all players can or should give up salary to help a team’s cap situation, but in these certain cases, it clearly works! Be a true leader of men, support your team, let Tee Higgins get the money he wants and deserves, stay a contender, and don’t just let great guys walk for free because your owner is stingy.

    Or do none of that, I don’t care, makes my path for the Jets easier if you’re hard-capped and money-strung.

    Read more here!
    Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
    1 – Chiefs
    2 – Rams
    3 – Eagles
    Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
    4 – Ravens
    5 – Texans
    6 – Packers
    7 – Steelers
    July 31, 2024, 3:54 pm