George C. Scott played General Patton and won an Oscar for his performance in 1970. At the start of that film, he gives a big speech, and in it, unveils the thesis statement that defines how Americans treat both sports and politics:

“Americans love to fight. All real Americans love the sting and clash of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big-league ball players and the toughest boxers. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost, and laughed. That’s why Americans have never lost and will never lose a war. The very thought of losing is hateful to America. Battle is the most significant competition in which a man can indulge. It brings out all that is best and it removes all that is base.”

So it is in that sentiment, that ethos of what drives interest in the NFL as a modern-day Roman Colosseum, that we arrive at another season of football. I don’t claim to be an expert, this is not an in-depth analysis. I’m humbly a mere observer, a hater to the end all the way, and this is strictly a comedy piece with some thought-provoking points and hopefully no contradictions. There are no criteria, no rubric, and no serious points to be made. This is hopefully received in good faith because I would like to continue my writing career and podcasting for this website. Figuring out how to make an awesome team or how to draft effectively is borderline impossible (despite somehow certain teams historically figuring it out, why is that I wonder).

Sports is not an exact science, there is no foolproof answer, and it’s not a math problem or formula. It takes a large amount of hubris to claim I, a fan, can run a team better than professionals from sitting on the couch. This is hard, life-altering work, these are human beings who try their best (we think) and they have personal shit going on and bad days and some truly believe deep down that Zach Wilson can play quarterback at a pro level.

So with all of that said…

Yes, I can run the Jets better than Woody Johnson because I would not hire fucking bootlickers to run the team into the ground for 50+ years. Okay, let’s get into it! Take none of this seriously and remember to have fun, nobody’s feelings should be hurt unless you’re from Florida and root for the Dolphins, in which case I wish you nothing but the worst and I pray to a non-existent god that the sea swallows that state whole and ravages the earth of “Tua-non” jokes.

Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:

#1 Kansas Chiefs: the champs

If this is the dumbest thing your organization does, then you are automatically the smartest team in the NFL.

A no-brainer choice here, so you might as well skip to the rest of this article. But for the Chiefs fans rolling around in their own filth, gloating and squealing like little piggies in the championship confetti slop, here you go. You hired an actual, professional NFL head coach who knows what he’s doing, which is like 60% of the work done right there; NFL head coaching has collectively never been worse, but Reid is the best by a mile and then some.

You also hired Brett Veach, mazel tov. He’s been involved with the organization since 2013, so we’ll just go ahead and credit him for all the genius moves the team made even if he wasn’t the literal GM of the team until the Mahomes era got kicked off (Chris Jones, Tyreek Hill in the 5th, Kareem Hunt in the 3rd, Mecole Hardman in the 2nd, L’Jarius Sneed in the 4th, Isaiah Pacheco in the 7th, George Karlaftis in the 1st, Rashee Rice in the 2nd, etc.).

The move up to get Patrick at #10 overall, ahead of “I knew all along he’d be special” Sean Peyton, remains one of the greatest moves in sports history. The foresight required to pull that off is just brilliant. Chef’s kiss, well done. And you can feel guilt-free calling Pat the GOAT because he’s never cheated! He’s on his way to that distinction and has yet to text his genitals to a minor or steal money from a volleyball team, or any of the usual pitfalls quarterbacks fall into once they stop playing.

Sure, you could fault the team for whiffing hard on some picks here and there. And yes, for the last two years, the receiving core has been hard to rely on or trust. But clearly, it didn’t matter because they won! Who cares! Rashee Rice could be in jail for most of the season (honestly, not a bad idea) and Reid would create something out of nothing, Mahomes would wrestle out of any problem and still beat your brains out with his magical abilities to clutch out games. Do you think Patrick is going to let what happened to him in that Tampa Super Bowl happen again to him? Nope. Do you think he hasn’t seen a four-man rush before, or a blitz package before? He’s seen it all. He doesn’t even need time or space anymore, he’s figured out every option available, because he’s smarter and better than everyone else and the Reid administration is better than the other 31 teams.

Can Xavier Worthy run really fast without pads? Yes, record-breakingly fast. Can he be relied on to catch the ball with his pads on? Beats me! There were a lot of dart throws at WRs this year in the draft, so it remains to be seen if any of these dudes become Skyy Moore or CEH aka duds. But all in all, the Chiefs are operating on a level far exceeding that of everybody else, a 4D chess type of organization in developing players, cutting bait at the right time, managing the cap, wisely not giving into player’s egos, having ownership get out of the way, and never jeopardizing their future.

God, the Bills traded back with Kansas City to let them take Worthy, they better PRAY he turns out to be the next Kadarius Toney. Can you imagine the egg on their faces if he turns out to be elite…

Let’s hope Hollywood Brown can be good for them (I saw that as someone who is not in their division). Three in a row would be quite the sight to see. But the lesson here, folks, is simple: hit your picks. Hit them, don’t strike out, get lucky or whatever you need to do, and hit your draft picks. As long as you choose correctly around 50% of the time, you’re on easy street. But alas, the accuracy of GMs is wretched, considering Tom Brady went in the 6th round. Any process or institution that lets Tom Brady fall to #199 overall needs to be completely disregarded and changed until people can get their heads out of their asses and stop messing up. It’s as if drafting is getting worse which means the entire ecosystem surrounding scouting and rookie camps and watching tape has to be utter horseshit, right? A three-ring circus meant to give cushy executives jobs and boost TV ratings in the offseason, like Brock Purdy went last and Trey Lance went third, no amount of intelligence or creativity will be able to top sheer dumb luck.

I’ll end by asking a simple question that should sort of indicate to you what my criteria will be for these teams: what did Kansas City give up in the trade for taking Patrick Mahomes tenth overall? The answer: doesn’t matter. Irrelevant. Nobody remembers, no one. Not a single soul gives a hoot because they got it right. Now, if you ask a 49ers fan, or a Panthers fan, or a Bears fan what THEIR teams gave up for bad QBs, they will remember exactly what the draft capital was, who was taken with those picks, and never forgive the people involved in setting the franchise back years.

I hate how important the NFL draft is, and yet how it can be summed up as a crapshoot. It’s illogical, archaic, contradictory, and paradoxical, and there is no way to figure out who will be good or not. And yet, somehow some way, a few teams keep pulling it off constantly. Those teams are smart and have rings to show for it, congrats. What a life it must be to root for an organization that actively doesn’t suck shit, I can’t imagine what it’s like to see adults in the room do the work and not be a showboat spectacle like a Jim Irsay or Jerry Jones. The people of Missouri haven’t done much to deserve it, but I hope they savor each day Patrick Mahomes smiles and basks in the sun. I heard he is having another baby, mazel tov! He will be a threat to win the Super Bowl every year until a future dictator of America outlaws sports or potable drinking water, who knows what we’re in store for, it keeps me up at night.

What keeps up 31 general managers and 30 owners is the fact that this team was able to win without anyone catching the ball, surrounded by Taylor Swift celebrity drama, rumors, extra security, memes, and repetitive noise. I think it’s 31 and 30, Green Bay has no owner and Jerry Jones is both. The Chiefs know what they’re doing, only hire total professionals, don’t ever crack under pressure, and everyone else should take note and be afraid of Patrick Maauto and Travis Kel-Ce How Much You Can Save On Car Insurance until they hang up the cleats. Good luck, Derek Carr!