Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:

#10 Lions: Detroit Rock City! Go Blue!

What year is it? The Detroit Lions are good now? When did this happen, and have I died and woken up in some parallel universe where Detroit teams actually compete for things? Or maybe I teleported to the 1930s somehow, it would explain the lack of abortion nationwide and the rising tide of fascism…

The rawr Lions made the NFC Championship game last year, nice for them, that was a feel-good story. But they should have won that game (for the prize of losing to the Chiefs ultimately). How did they do it? Literally going ass backward through the normal team-building process with a steroid-poppin’ rage-a-holic head coach who loves bitin’ kneecaps and throwing clipboards, Bobby Knight style. Honestly, it’s astonishing how they managed to cobble together this ragtag group of outcasts, draft pick fliers, and escaped convicts and be great for a single, sustained, and drama-free season.

If you didn’t know any better, you’d think this team has always been great at drafting (remember Kerryon Johnson?). In 2019 they took future Viking TJ Hockenson and future Jet Ty Johnson. Cool, thanks, I guess. In 2020 they got much better with future Texan Jeff Okudah and future Bear D’Andre Swift. Hey wait a minute, all of those guys are good but play for other teams, what gives? Stop giving away good players like Matt Stafford to other teams!

But 2021 was a real turnaround for the Lions, in a shocking manner (based on the history of this sport). They got Penei ala vodka Sewell, the highest-paid offensive lineman in NFL history. They got Amon-Ra St. Brown in the 4th and he’s now among the highest-paid WRs in the league. 2022 only kept the good times rolling as the Jaguars passed on Michigan Wolverine legend Aidan Hutchinson and other teams passed on Alabama speedster Jameson Williams. So close to being good, just one more draft, and…

They took a running back in 2023? WHAT? What? Who cares how good he is, they took a running back in the first round and his name wasn’t Bijan Robinson? Y’all got extremely lucky that didn’t blow up in your faces. The Jahmyr Gibbs pick seems brilliant but you had a touchdown-making goal-line machine in Jamaal Williams and let him walk, and most of the time you just gave it to old man David Montgomery. So why bother taking Gibbs? San Fran has Christian McCaffrey and they haven’t done shit yet, what makes YOU so special? (No offense to Jahmyr, he’s amazing, but he plays for the Lions so that means he will walk well before his prime is over, and rightfully so).

But mostly, thank you to Sam LaPorta for being a fantasy monster who saved me in several clutch match-ups, week after week. Is any of this going to amount to them making it to their first Super Bowl? Probably not, no.

Otherwise, you drafted a great line and paid them handsomely, which is smart. You took Taylor Decker and get got a fat pay raise, which is exactly what all teams should be concerned with doing. And Terrion Arnold seems legit, so good luck competing in a now-stacked division with your blood rivals who have traditionally owned you, for free. Free wins against Detroit, just handing them out. The odds of this team actually lifting itself past the Eagles and 49ers seems slim, but no one will really mind because the Michigan Wolverines went undefeated and everyone in that state knows that is far more important than the Lions ever will be.

And if you broke out into a cold sweat thinking “well if the 49ers and Eagles couldn’t get it done…” just know that making it to the Super Bowl means you can theoretically win the game. 49ers several times this century, Eagles several times this century, Cincinnati in 2022, Rams in 2019, Falcons in 2017, Seahawks in 2015, hell even the Cardinals in 2009. All close-ish games, all doable! Which means you can technically achieve that goal as long as everyone in front of you twists their ankles, then you would become the 2024 Boston Celtics.

But you need to stop Mahomes and Reid in the playoffs and not the regular season, different story. Can you imagine a football team from Michigan that wears blue and wins the championship game against a high-flying offense and a stud QB? OF COURSE it wasn’t ever going to be the Lions! You’re thinking of the Michigan Wolverines, who did that. Go blue.

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Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
1 – Chiefs
2 – Rams
3 – Eagles

Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
4 – Ravens
5 – Texans
6 – Packers
7 – Steelers
8 – Bengals
9 – Bucs