Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:

#15 Evil incarnate: located squarely in Boston or Foxboro or hell

There’s no reason I’m embedding this tweet. None whatsoever.

Canada’s men’s and women’s soccer teams have relied on drones and spying for years, sources say

Coaching staff and contractors working with Canada’s men’s and women’s national soccer teams have been engaged for years in efforts to film the closed-door training sessions of their… pic.twitter.com/GuwijxTMNm

— TSN (@TSN_Sports) July 25, 2024

Can’t ask Bill Belichick or Tom Brady about their involvement in that scandal, because they haven’t said anything worth a damn in decades. Nothing consequential or memorable in decades of interviews. And they somehow got broadcasting jobs??? Doing analysis and commentary??? What a total joke. I’m watching every FOX game on mute, and if you think I’m kidding I have a crazy backlog of podcasts to get through, trust me I’m good. I’d rather shove corn cob holders into my ear drums than listen to them yap incessantly about whatever deranged, unhinged nonsense that goes into their toxic, noxious, vitriolic, acidic, venomous brains.

The Houston Astros used an elaborate scheme involving outside technology to steal signs, cheat the system, and win the World Series. The entire sports, and fandom, went absolutely ape shit over this scandal and everyone on the team was forever suspected of having and always doing something dubious, nefarious, or sinister. Hell, we even accused the players of using wires attached to their bodies (turns out that wasn’t true even though it didn’t sound that farfetched for Altuve to do that). Should their title be vacated? Given to the opponent? How many people should be suspended and fined? Was banishment on the table? Not a single baseball fan thought any of that was too extreme, no one respected their win, and the whole year booed them relentlessly. This is the correct take to have, by the way. The right attitude to have, and I’m very upset the NFL world and the media who cover the sport didn’t do this exact freakout multiple times during Spygate, or Deflategate, and all of the other gates.

Hey guess what, the Astros and the Patriots…………..it’s the same thing!!!!! The same fucking thing, what planet am I on, are all of you taking crazy pills or something????? Somebody shove that Pam from “The Office” meme in here, Jesus Fucking Christmas they did the same thing but the reactions were so different, I feel like a lunatic for ranting about this.

This tale is as old as time because the history of sports has its fair share of con artists, scammers, liars, sleazebags, grifters, snake oil salesmen, and cheaters. And if it wasn’t obviously, painstakingly crystal clear, I am of course making the transition to the New England Patriots, the 2000s version of the Chicago Black Sox. I will not get into a hypothetical pissing duel over this, let’s move on.

Never mind, I thought about it, and I have one more thing to say: if being shitty, evil, and racist was an Olympic sport, the Pats would be both Michael Phelps and Tonya Harding combined. Okay, now I’m done.

In order to keep this section civil and short enough to read, because I could on for the length of an entire novel about the lack of outrage over this team cheating in multiple ways and everyone just shrugging their shoulders and not disqualifying all of their accomplishments***** outright. You’d think being caught red-handed over and over, and different teams knowing full well of their trickery and deception, would lead to more league executives invalidating every single game they won****. But alas, I will move on, for the sake of brevity. Insert Robert Kraft joke here, everyone laughs, yadda yadda let’s move on and just focus on the Pats without Brady (and all of their losing without him or the hidden microphones and planted bugs) and move straight onto the “brilliant” Bill Belichick when he doesn’t get to spy on locker rooms with his main partner in crime.

This is the Brady-less years, and I say this with all of my heart: welcome to the rest of us. The league office can’t take a Kraft bribe and rig games in the same way the Supreme Court is rigged to start a new Reichstag Fire Decree stripping away as many civil liberties as humanly possible.

Turns out you all fucking sucked this whole time, Bill is a fraud who can’t draft and that makes me immensely overjoyed and smug. 20+ years of watching modern-day Gladiator pits you bastards ruined for me, sucking the fun out of enjoying a sport that should have been ruined by CTE awareness and off-the-field issues involving the Bengals, or Browns, or Ravens. Instead, you became just like every other useless team, unable to find a franchise QB, and all of your defensive prowess went to shit because you had an anemic offense that couldn’t move the ball. A true curse, if I’ve ever seen one, and I watch the Jets for fun. Belichick is a joke, I’m glad nobody hired him and when he inevitably comes to the rescue for the Jets in 2025, he’ll just pocket the money, mumble through every press conference, and not use his cheating ways to actually help us win any games. Jagoff.

Who did you all draft instead of getting lucky with the golden child who likes to kiss children on the mouth? Braxton Berrios in the 6th, he bounced around the AFC East for a while. Sony Michel in the 1st round, he went to the Rams and sucked there too, that was fun for a bit. N’Keal Harry was a supposed godsend and he was a gigantic bust. Damien Harris in the 3rd, he’s fools gold, as was Jarrett Stidham in the 4th, and Mac Jones hahahahahaha get wrecked. Throw him onto the pile of all the other failed white saviors that Bostonians could have rooted for, alongside Larry Bird, Payton Prichard, Bailey Zappe and soon-to-be Drake Maye. I really like Chase Winovich in the 3rd though, that was good. As was Rhamondre Stevenson in the 4th and Christian Gonzalez in the 1st, I can’t say shit those are legit studs. But that’s it though. I just revel in the inability to draft anyone who can catch a ball.

Who the hell is Tyquan Thornton, anyways?

Tre Nixon? Lol

How are Kayshon Boutte and Demario Douglas working out for you all?

Whenever I need a pick-me-up I just look at this Ringer article, and inhale the Schadenfreude like Frank Booth in “Blue Velvet” with his gas mask.

Massholes cannot conceive of watching a team lose so much, because their brains don’t have the capacity to remember anything before the 04 Red Sox. If it wasn’t for that wide-open, easy path of a Celtics title run in which every good opponent got terribly injured, I’d only hear screaming about Red Sox ownership and the Mookie Betts trade. I hope this team never wins****** another game as long as I live, but they will because whichever god you personally decided to believe in (or were told to believe in at a young, impressionable age) has decided to replace smiting me for my sins and just made this team permanently good and New York permanently bad/run by men with the lowest intelligence in our species at this present moment. Ja’Lynn Polk and Javon Baker need to crash their cars into each other just for me to feel something again.

Tom cheated on Bridget Moynahan when she was pregnant for Giselle, and probably cheated on Giselle too, and that’s why she left. Is that story accurate? Who cares! His body must be riddled with so much sketchy herbal ice cream and holistic medicine that his skin has turned to a leathery purse-type material, and his smile is just stapled onto his skull for all to see how happy he is 24/7. Not fooling me with your Netflix roast or cushy new job or countless commercials. Zero personality, amazing how far he got knowing the defense’s entire playbook ahead of time. I hope he never reaches that FOX broadcast booth and dies a slow, painful death so I never have to hear from him or see him ever again, so I will leave you by saying fuck Tom Brady and everyone who looks up to his facade and his obvious, goofy act. I’m so sick and tired of him being around, appearing on my television, being fawned over, and not being launched into the sun. He hovers over the sport like the grim reaper, and his desire to break every rule in pursuit of stolen glory and valor should have been a warning sign for global politics in an age of AI and cryptocurrency.

I will never be happy again, but I will smile gleefully when Kraft kicks the bucket (my editor requested I remove another jab at his massage parlor troubles). Respect is earned and not given, and the duplicitous nature of this team’s actions in the 21st century is nothing but deception, lies, and mistrust… it totally makes sense now that Tom and Bill are good friends with Trump, now that I think about it. They try to hide their red hats from us but just know they are laughing at each and every single one of you behind closed doors as they buddy up with the right people and count their money, stolen dollar by stolen dollar.

The tuck rule was the worst thing to happen in sports in my lifetime and the Raiders should have walked off the field in protest the second that bullshit happened. Maybe even started fist-fighting the refs, hell I would have taken a swing at at least one person on the Pats coaching staff. Beyond a travesty that set forth a legacy, no one is able to reckon with. Did that completely wrong decision lead to the Iraq War, the financial housing crisis, Roe v. Wade being overturned, George Lucas ruining Star Wars, Bush stealing the election from Gore, and Citizens United claiming corporations are people? I can’t say for sure, but those things did happen around the time the Pats illegally won************* that game. Open your third eye, sheeple, connect the dots.

Are the Patriots infiltrated by members of ISIS? I’m fairly certain the answer is no, so don’t sue me, but I just had to ask the question. If only I could summon the power to enact a swift death for this franchise, man that day cannot come soon enough to make up for 24 years of imaginary accomplishments. I don’t care that everyone loves the new fuckface head coach, I don’t care that the new rookie QB douchebag is struggling, I don’t care about their dipshit fans or “good” defense, I don’t want to hear from, acknowledge or think about this team ever again. Get rid of them. Forever. To hell with this team and to all Bostonians.

Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
1 – Chiefs
2 – Rams
3 – Eagles

Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
4 – Ravens
5 – Texans
6 – Packers
7 – Steelers
8 – Bengals
9 – Bucs
10 – Lions
11 – Seahawks

Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:
12 – 49ers
13 – Browns
14 – Cowboys