Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:

#12 49ers: they should let the hippies run this team

Oh god here we go, my first (of many) controversial ranking. If you haven’t been reading up until this point, hi hello you’re late. If you have, then you’ll know that I put a very high premium on having a franchise quarterback as the key indicator of if a team is ‘smart’ or ‘stupid’ as well as any gigantic trades that pay off or sink the future. In splitting hairs, yes Seattle is ahead of San Fran (people from the Bay area hate the shortened version of San Francisco and to that, I say please grow up I have a character limit).

And it’s my article, so I can do whatever I want, but mainly, I am right. Guess what? Turns out having a Peyton Manning, or a Tom Brady, or a Patrick Mahomes, or a Big Ben is how you WIN SUPER BOWLS. You know, the thing most people think teams are preoccupied with. Russell Wilson was a late-round pick who was short and he got it done, Brock Purdy you could be the next guy to do that!!!

But why didn’t you win that Super Bowl? Both of them, honestly. It’s because you don’t have the guy and never will. You have a “system” and a “style” and that is shit for brains logic because who gives a shit, half of all playoff games in the past five to ten years have come down to late-game drives down the field by expert QBs with bad weaponry, you got it all ass-backward.

You also got outcoached and outplayed in February despite having a better roster from top to bottom (the same as the Eagles the year prior) but it didn’t matter. Because Reid and Mahomes are just better. There isn’t any science or magic to it, they just are, and all the talent in the world won’t make up for Brock Purdy being great but not elite. All that matters is having an elite quarterback and the rest comes down to injury luck and some other fringe factors. I’d much rather have an MVP-caliber season from Wentz and then a few excellent playoff games from a Joe Flacco or a Nick Foles than an entire season of Jimmy Garopolo, and 49ers fans would too.

Now I know most teams are (gasp) not actually trying their hardest to win at all costs, mainly because they’re all businesses and they just want to keep costs down because owners are greedy sycophants who pretend their net worth is tied to their IQ. But if you look back at the last, oh I don’t know, let’s say 30 years of winners, you’ll find a stunning conclusion: having an elite QB means you win at the highest level, consistently. Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

Mahomes, Mahomes, Stafford, Brady, Mahomes, Brady, almost Brady, Brady, Manning, Brady, almost Brady, almost Manning, that one Flacco year lol, Manning (the other one)/almost Brady, Rodgers/almost Roethlisberger, Brees/almost Manning, Roethlisberger, Manning (the other one)/almost Brady, Manning, Roethlisberger, Brady, Brady, who cares, Brady/almost Warner, Warner, Elway, Elway, Favre, Aikman, Young, Aikman, Aikman, and Montana.

Notice anything, 49ers fans? Any patterns you could learn from that… oh that’s right, you haven’t had anyone that talented since Steve Young and Joe Montana, shocker! These guys don’t grow on trees, but I think deep down the fanbase knows they’ve been waiting an entire generation for another savior to swoop in and take over like Montana and Young did (also helped having the greatest pass catcher of all time and a HOF coach).

You literally almost won three Super Bowls by my count, in my lifetime, but couldn’t quite pull it off, and so you’ve been bridesmaids and never brides since the gold-jacket-wearing heroes you all worship walked out that door. That was 30+ years ago, and the windows of non-Brady/Manning AFC representatives are so slim. You couldn’t beat the Ravens that one year and that was your best chance, then you drove Harbaugh out of town (dumb) and blackballed Colin Kaepernick (evil) and now you’re just lambs to the slaughter in the grindhouse of Mahomes, the human buzzsaw. Is that because of luck or skill? I think San Francisco has been one of the more stable organizations, and mostly ahead of the curve on so much in this sport, but the one crucial element, the key thing that tends to lift all boats at the end of the day: the guy. You don’t have the guy, and that must sting. Most teams don’t, so don’t feel too bad! Or do, I don’t care, I root for the Jets.

There is an incongruity to analyzing professional football by an amateur like myself because there are a lot of hard-working, brilliant people behind the scenes doing their best. Scouting, drafting, coaching, you can be doing A+ level work for years and just get stomped because of one elbow or one overtime drive. It happens, there’s nothing you can do about it, and that sucks. I feel for you, Niners Nation. I think every franchise/city should have a title thrown their way every once in a while, just to keep things interesting, but to the victor goes the spoils. And NorCal had the Warriors and drove every team out of Oakland after Oakland got gentrified, so maybe I don’t feel bad for you Niners Nation. Weren’t there a ton of Giants World Series wins too? Okay so quit complaining, the Giants were from New York so I count those as Mets victories.

It is borderline impossible to predict the future, and somehow even harder taking quarterbacks in the draft. How do they handle pressure, how do they lead a locker room, how do they read a defense, how often do they use their legs, do they have arm talent, can they avoid taking big hits, etc? Throughout the NFL, teams are somehow getting worse at taking QBs in the first round (almost like everyone is getting dumber) but there is just a complete cognitive disconnect between the process and the results when it comes to finding a franchise QB. It boggles my mind, that nobody has figured this out by now unless you work for the Green Bay Packers.

So why not just give away three 1st rounders and a 3rd rounder for a mystery man to be named later, who would turn out to be a little guy with no experience who runs around way too much and looks cute in a red jersey? Fuck it YOLO lol that won’t possibly be one of the worst decisions in history and continue a disgusting precedent of teams who risk the farm to deal up for a total dud. Better yet, make sure your playbook for this rookie is identical to that of a fullback!

Thus is the tale of the Trey Lance era in San Francisco, California.

The 49ers should be a top five smartest team in the NFL, from top to bottom, but the Trey Lance deal shows that A) ultimately nobody knows anything, even the professionals in the room B) all of this comes down to shit luck C) they don’t have Patrick Mahomes haha sorry you lose and D) trading up into the top three has REALLY not worked out for Chicago, or New York, or San Francisco, or New Orleans when Mike Ditka fell in love with Ricky Williams. Can anybody learn that lesson by now? Maybe DON’T do that going forward? Just wait until after the top three and then you can maybe move up, that seems to work out better.

One could argue that trading all of that draft capital for a gigantic flameout was a grave mistake and the picks could have been used on better players to help them win a Super Bowl now. Another person could argue… well, nothing. Because there is no argument, I am correct, they fucked up immensely and only used Trey Lance as a human flak jacket and not a quarterback, which he ostensibly is (I think, there’s not much footage of this and maybe that was a sign).

I think the days of loading up on defense like the ‘14 Seahawks or the ‘13 Ravens or ‘16 Broncos or the early 2000s Bucs/Ravens and winning are just straight up OVER. The rules are so skewed in favor of passing offenses, calling defensive pass interference, and protecting the QB from being touched, that the best of the best QBs are going to dice up any defenses whenever it comes to nut crunching time. And Kansas City had a tremendous defense on top of an experienced offense that barely figured it out until it was all over for you dipshits. You gave Mahomes too much time and he sliced and diced you with guys off the street and Travis Kelce half paying attention. You dolts.

Oh, you wanted to run the ball and kill the clock to keep a Mahomes off the field? Nah, in seconds he goes 50 yards, bombs it, and you lose the momentum/field position. The Tampa defense he faced ate his mediocre O-line alive, but Reid and Co. will never make that mistake again. They loaded up to protect him and it resulted in two more championship rings they can polish while trotting out high school track stars to appear as WR options. They laugh at your feeble attempts to “rush the passer” with MAGA-loving Bosa and washout Chase Young.

Deebo and Aiyuk don’t want to be there. Let them be free.

The 49ers are so good at building and drafting a full team. It makes me insane that they can be so smart and yet so dumb. Not to mention that once again, it goes to show the combine/draft/year-long process of evaluating and taking college kids is a complete waste of time since Brock Purdy became Tom Brady 2.0 by being the last pick. Mr. Irrelevant and he’s better than 75% of the starters right now. Why spend a single dollar or ounce of thought into the draft mill if you can just throw a dart and get Brock Purdy? Honestly, why doesn’t a team just say “fuck it” and see what happens when you show up to a rigged test without a cheat sheet, wing it, and go by names, who cares? None of this matters. The universe leans towards entropy and randomness, not like anyone trying to keep their jobs gives a shit about the health of a team ten years into the future.

But having Brock Purdy can only get you so far when you pay a running back as your primary weapon on offense. Pathetic. You have to win the Super Bowl THIS YEAR or else your offense walks out the door, you overpay Purdy by $50 million a year, and you’re done permanently. That’s it.

I can’t bring myself to get all worked up about the failures and success rates. Most teams just whiff on guys from the 1st to the 7th, it’s such a crapshoot, there’s no rhyme or reason to how teams operate. I can only truly get riled up and criticize the gigantic mistakes that everyone else identifies, like a Lance deal because they’re so glaring and set back teams so many years. The Niners already had a stacked roster going into both SB losses to Mahomes, with the best left tackle Trent Williams doing most of the heavy lifting. Brock Purdy is a diamond in the rough, congrats, it wasn’t enough and won’t ever be enough. Luck can take you only so far, experienced and talented winners go the distance. Could he be a Drew Brees success story? I doubt it, Brees threw for like 15,000 yards a game every year, that doesn’t seem like it will ever happen again though, shame.

Otherwise, congrats on Eric Reid in the 1st, Jimmie Ward in the 1st, Carlos Hyde in the 2nd, Arik Armstead in the 1st, Trent Brown in the 7th, DeForest Buckner in the 1st, Jeff Driskel in the 6th, Solomon Thomas in the 1st, George Kittle in the 5th, Fred Warner in the 3rd, DJ Reed in the 5th, Nick Bosa in the 1st, Deebo Samuel in the 2nd, Javon Kinlaw in the 1st, Brandon Aiyuk in the 1st, Elijah Mitchell in the 6th, Ji’Ayir Brown in the 3rd, Jake Moody in the 3rd and Ronnie Bell in the 7th, that’s legit. Astounding work.

BTW that is an embarrassment of riches! I would kill someone to have that kind of draft success for so long, and the Jets got baited into hiring a defensive coordinator as a head coach, that’s how smart you all seem. But then you had to go and piss it all away chasing a dream from North Dakota State. They all do, and they never should. Nothing good comes out of North Dakota, silly rabbit. Not Wentz, not Lance, not Easton Stick, not Brock Jensen (google him later) nobody. Move on, touch grass, smoke weed, and find god somewhere else because Jesus isn’t coming to Candlestick Park, or Levi’s Jeans Stadium, or whatever the hell you call it now.

You couldn’t beat the Ravens and you couldn’t beat the Chiefs and you almost lost to the Lions. And those teams got better and didn’t have holdouts! I hope Trent Williams and Brandon Aiyuk never report to your team again. Your coaching staff forgot the rules for overtime because prep for a championship isn’t important to them. Jed York probably trips over his own dick every time he goes to the bathroom.

Read more here!

Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
1 – Chiefs
2 – Rams
3 – Eagles

Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
4 – Ravens
5 – Texans
6 – Packers
7 – Steelers
8 – Bengals
9 – Bucs
10 – Lions
11 – Seahawks