Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:

#14 Cowboys: the next GM should be Debbie from “Debbie Does Dallas”

Where to start with these jamokes, holy fucking shit. This might be the easiest one to write up and not get yelled at or screen-shotted (don’t do that) simply because your owner said the single dumbest thing of the offseason, with the possible exception of the Atlanta Falcons brass justifying their Penix pick and Cousins overpay. Lover of history and roadblock to social progress Jerry Jones is your senile owner, CEO, President, GM, Head Coach, Quarterback, and lead cheerleader (at least in his mind, he’s all of those things spiritually despite actually being half of those things legally). He has long since moved on from actually trying to win, and after the Aikman era he’s just obsessed with boosting the Cowboy’s valuation and keeping his team in the news. That’s it. It’s all about jersey sales, ratings, word of mouth, buzz, and culture wars. No winning, just doing enough to boost that billion-dollar evaluation like a trophy on his mantle. No one respects him and treating Jimmy Johnson like dirt is what should have sunk him. Arrogant prick, how dare he.

The fans in Texas are obviously too blinded by the perceived threat of the “coastal liberal woke mob mind virus” to notice this, and yes I am aware there is a decent portion of the state that is quite liberal or conservative, put an end to gerrymandering and the electoral college ASAP. But that doesn’t make the joke funny so let’s all play along and pretend they are. In all honesty, both sides of the aisle can come together to be pissed off at how many more championship game appearances the Jets have (2) since the ‘90s glory days and that Dallas has none. Cowboys Nation got a rotten deal with their team, trading in a winner for the largest TV screen in a stadium. Rotten to the core, as per usual with Jerry Jones. Wonderful world record, that TV, but it doesn’t help the team win games. Jerry World should be the place you all send Jones to the guillotine to publicly pay for his crimes, not to watch Mike McCarthy piss away the clock in another first-round loss to an underdog opponent.

Everything Stephen A. Smith says jokingly, or as a bit, with his schtick is literally 100% correct, whether that was intentional or not. He’s totally right! A comedian making jokes about your team is doing actual journalism!

The reason you dummies aren’t lower on this list is because, believe it or not, Jones is a pretty good drafter. The rest is beyond awful, but he does find a way to get elite talent on the way in. Keeping them, paying them, coaching them up, trading them, that’s all done very poorly of course did I mention the Jets had more shots at a Super Bowl this century? But taking the guy in the first place? I can’t knock the track record. Ezekiel Elliott though should have stayed as a terrific 1st round selection in your memories and not a washed-up free agent returning in a desperate plea to stay relevant on ESPN and FS1. I also really wanted Taco Charlton to work out for Dallas but they all can’t be winners. Well, maybe in college, but not for the Cowboys.

Xavier Woods in the 6th, Leighton Vander Esch in the 1st, Michael Gallup in the 3rd, Dalton Schultz in the 4th, Mike White in the 5th, Tony Pollard in the 4th, CeeDee Lamb falling into your laps in the 1st, Trevon Diggs in the 2nd, Micah Parson going twelfth holy cow, Tyler Smith in the 1st, that’s a really good haul. Exceptional players. Not to mention taking the flier on Dak Prescott in the 4th and adding him to stalwarts Zack Martin, DeMarcus Lawrence, future Jets lineman Tyron Smith, and woah you guys took Nick Folk back in 2007? Damn, maybe New York should stop taking guys Dallas gets rid of and start targeting the people they’re eyeing on drafting, sheesh.

But at the end of the day, crushing the draft with Prescott and Lamb and Parsons and Diggs somehow just doesn’t seem to matter. There’s a funk that surrounds this team, call it heavy expectations or stupidity by osmosis, possibly something in the water down there in Texas who can say for sure? This team always finds a fun new way to trip over its own droopy old balls. The Dez Bryant catch (he caught it, the NFL is wrong) and some missed field goals and bobbled low snaps, it all just adds up to a long line of “woe is me” type misery Dallas lives in now, permanently. You all failed to resign Randy Gregory because you thought he was still a drug addict, that’s the kind of organization we’re dealing with. Not the dumbest, but pretty evil and unable to support or surround Dak (who is secretly just Kirk Cousins in disguise, look at their playoff history). But that’s fine, because does anybody really want Dallas fans to be happy? No, I thought not.

I asked my dad what he thought about this team since he’s a Giants fan and watches this team more than I do, and here is what he basically had to say: “You know how to draft but you don’t know how to hire a smart person as a coach and your GM is your owner and he’s literally the worst at signing players bc he waits too long and just lets the market overcorrect, he spends too much on talent! Instead of “Who Shot JR” it needs to be “Who Shot Jerry Jones” soon.” Harsh, but fair. NFC East haters know their shit. Well, Philly and NY fans do, I can’t speak for anyone who lives in Washington D.C. at the moment.

Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
1 – Chiefs
2 – Rams
3 – Eagles

Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
4 – Ravens
5 – Texans
6 – Packers
7 – Steelers
8 – Bengals
9 – Bucs
10 – Lions
11 – Seahawks

Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:
12 – 49ers
13 – Browns