Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:

#13 Browns: they should have never brought this team back, you people should be Ravens fans by default if you knew any better

Just repeat everything I said above but replace Trey Lance with a serial rapist who sexually assaults massage parlor attendants and masseuses. Boy, I turned into a real asshole after the first ten or so teams, didn’t I? Listen, it’s hard not to be angry when everyone reading this works hard for a living and gets paid shit, and then some sex pest criminal got gifted more money than either you or I will ever see in our lifetimes. Guaranteed, all of it. The Browns ownership made sure to give a deviant generational wealth, and if that isn’t the story of America then I don’t know what is. What a despicable country corporation we all have to live in now, that this is the norm and we just have to sit back and watch the worst of humanity prop up people who should be in jail to serve as role models, saviors, CEOs, and presidential candidates.

Anywho, the Brownies make me want to vomit profusely, and anyone who actively roots for them and doesn’t boycott this scam disguised as a team can fuck off. Please take a long walk on a short pier and drown. I’m glad Cleveland has never been to a Super Bowl, they skipped past being loveable underdogs to just funding a man hundreds of millions of dollars to whip his dick out in front of 30+ women. Intentionally. Every day they do that! They CHOSE to do that, and I hope nothing good ever happens in that city. The LeBron title was the one good thing you got, and it took suspending Draymond to have it happen. The Guardians used to have a super racist name and I’m so so so delighted the Cubs beat your brains out in that World Series to end their streak, and that the Mets got Lindor. You make the Cincinnati teams look adorable with your sickening antics!!

Cleveland fans are the most boring people on earth, they all feel like martyrs but really nobody wants to hear from them ever. Or think about them. Simpletons, nitwits, rubes, philistines, empty-headed gargoyles. Why does everybody make fun of Ohio? Why are there so many jokes about that one state? Because of shit like this, makes me want to blow my brains out:

Art Modell was right to move out of the bad part of the Midwest, good for him. Smart man, he was, and he got 2 rings out of it. Build him a statue outside of Cleveland Browns stadium so you can all see what a winner looks like, and then realize you should also bolt to a real functioning society. Wait, that’s honestly the name of your stadium? Good god people, what are we even doing here? Run the Haslams out of town already!

Now, if you don’t want to just skip past this because it’s the same story as the 49ers but with different names inserted, then allow me to dunk on the Deshaun Watson deal for a moment longer. HOLY SHIT THAT WAS SO STUPID AND BAD AND EVIL, DID I MENTION EVIL YET. Being morally corrupt and degenerate can lead to a lot of winning* (see New England) but no, you Elf-hating clowns decided to not go that route. Lame. Jimmy and Dee Haslam are such lame, weak-sauced ghouls. It’s like they live to be losers, thrive staying losers, and promote losers because they get off on losing. You’d think the league office would try and set an example, maybe draw a line as they did with Ray Rice (after the video leaked) and say “we cannot tolerate this behavior in our league, Watson is banned for life” but nooooooooooooooooooooooooo gotta give him that fully guaranteed deal where his base salary is a dollar and the rest is signing bonus so no one can take it away from him when he got suspended! Satan is envious of Roger Goodell.

Jim Brown beat several women and was a lunatic, I haven’t forgotten, and neither should you. Actually, don’t look up too many historic figures from America’s past involved with bettering the rights of as many people as possible, because a lot of history is just finding out heroes cheated on their wives or owned slaves and shit on people’s lawns, and the equal rights movement (still ongoing somehow) shouldn’t have that kind of degenerate behavior attached to it. So maybe don’t use Jim Brown as the go-to guy for example setting, just pivot to LeBron James who……… wait I’m being told he’s a billionaire, welp there goes the entire list of Cleveland sports icons!

But I digress. The Browns did get pretty good at taking key contributors in the draft, which helped give them some playoff wins and appearances, mazel tov. Myles Garrett and Jabrill Peppers back to back in the 1st were excellent, David Njoku had potential, and Baker Mayfield was a good #1 overall selection (he got hurt and you simpletons drove him out of town like he didn’t harass women or something), Denzel Ward and Nick Chubb were very good early round fliers, and I love Donovan Peoples-Jones in the 6th. Would any of these players choose to live in Cleveland, Ohio, the internet’s punching bag since the turn of the century? Of course not, they’re not mentally deranged!

Kevin Stefanski seems good? I wouldn’t actively coach a sex predator, I would just quit on the spot and move on, but I guess he needs the (blood) money. Can you believe this team got hot with Joe Flacco, a man the Jets threw overboard for Aaron Rodger’s best friend Tim Boyle, and everyone thought they would win the Super Bowl? Thank Christ almighty they faceplanted in front of everybody, and I’m not even Catholic but shout outs to Jesus for that one, amen brother for doing us a solid, you can now go back to chilling in non-existent heaven.

Amari Cooper is the most underrated player every year (alongside Terry McLaurin), you finished as the scariest defense in the league with Myles Garrett, Jeremiah Owusu-Koramoah, and Denzel Ward, and yet when people think of you they think of this:

LeBron knows Ohio sucks and that’s why he left and doesn’t currently live there! Smart people flee for the coasts to be near the ocean and to join like one of three cities that fuel actual industries. No wonder Ohioans voted to elect puffed-up narcissist JD Vance as their gross Senator and now he’s a legitimate threat to be the new Vice President. Thanks, Ohio, your votes will ensure we have no more elections going forward.

This slimy team can go burn in hell forever alongside all of the people who get hired at Ohio State University. Sorry, An Ohio State University. O-H! Wolverines handed your asses on a silver platter with a last-second replacement head coach and I hope they do it again for the rest of eternity. Go Blue, you cock eyed bastards.

Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
1 – Chiefs
2 – Rams
3 – Eagles

Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
4 – Ravens
5 – Texans
6 – Packers
7 – Steelers
8 – Bengals
9 – Bucs
10 – Lions
11 – Seahawks

Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:
12 – 49ers