Every NFL Team, Ranked From Smartest To Dumbest: Dolphins

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  • By Jared Russo

    Real questionable buffoonery since 1973, also known as the AFC East:

    #21 Dolphins: how about those Dolphins

    This has to be due to the severe head trauma, right? Like his brain is mush at this point, has to be, no other explanation:

    If only this franchise were as dedicated to putting out a winning team on the field as it was in doing dirty backdoor shenanigans with two very duplicitous and sketchy Hall of Famers. Stephen Ross seems like an asshat and I just learned Chris Grier’s name but I don’t like him either. Mike McDaniel would be a champion of verisimilitude and comedic timing if he didn’t intentionally put his concussed quarterback into a dangerous situation and almost got him killed.

    The NFL has a nasty habit of getting into the player-murdering business, simply by not caring about player safety whatsoever and only doing lip service until the masses eat up their slop and hand over their wallets. Between the WWF/WWE and NFL, I’m not sure who has gotten more innocent people killed, the body count is just ridiculously high for what started as early 20th-century entertainment and a game we let children play. Oh no, the children, shit, somebody stop pop warner leagues ASAP!

    The Miami Dolphins draft well enough and haven’t gone through an ugly rename/redesign like the Florida Marlins did (the Marlins have to be a Ponzi scheme or money laundering operation, right?) Jay Ajayi in the 5th, DeVante Parker in the 1st, Laremy Tunsil in the 1st, Xavien Howard in the 2nd, Kenyan Drake in the 3rd, Minkah Fitzpatrick in the 1st, Mike Gesicki in the 2nd, Christian Wilkins in the 1st, Andrew Van Ginkel in the 5th, Myles Gaskin in the 7th, Tua over Herbert at #5 overall, Jaylen Waddle in the 1st, and De’Von Achane in the 3rd. That’s a really good haul over the years! I mean, it’s sad looking up all of these teams and their draft summaries because 65% of the names are just anonymous players who never work out, but still, the standout guys do in fact stand out.

    The problem is that you built the best offense in the league and then watched it just crumble in cold weather. Your entire defense was shipped to an army infirmary, and at least this year your head coach and team doctors didn’t intentionally try and get Tua decapitated on the field. The concussions pile up, but the money keeps rolling in, and that’s what matters now more than anything. America the country business has to keep trotting out those players, inject some painkillers, count the $100 bills and everyone else is on their own. I’m sure this is how the Ross family thinks, bootstraps and whatnot.

    Maybe being located deep within the state of Florida just rubs off on the team, severely impacting their ability to use their brain cognitively, unable to recover from the air of cultural deterioration and intellectual evaporation. Stupidity through osmosis, poison in the water down there, something has to explain it. The home of the hanging chad, a backwater swamp so chock full of Disney adults and imprisoned slave laborers, politicians have all but abandoned trying to convince undecided voters what to do down there. I cannot wait until the Atlantic Ocean washes away everything north of Key West. God damnit do I hate that state with every fiber of my being.

    Chop Robinson has a cool name, I hope he’s good. Wait no, I don’t I hate the Dolphins, but thankfully they suck so nobody has ever needed to worry about them since the Dan Marino days. Remember him? They failed to get over the top with Dan Fucking Marino, so they can’t ever do it now with a private equity vulture at the helm. Marino’s stats make it look like he played recently and not in the ‘80s, and you could actually hit the quarterback back then, that’s how goddamn good he was and the Jets didn’t take him. Stupid assholes. A tight end over Warren Sapp, too, the crowd at Radio City Music Hall was chanting for Sapp, they could run the Jets better (more on that soon don’t worry).

    I’m glad they collect great players and they all fail to live up to their potential and get hurt and flame out because they’re good when healthy, fast, and well-coached. It’s a scary team because they’re in my division (more on that in a minute) but I am never actually afraid of them. They’ll never put it together, and for that, I am thankful and quite confident/cocky. Let’s just hope Ross doesn’t sell and he keeps this team’s potential held back by trickling down his shitty politics and frivolous spending on GOP candidates instead of a great roster. He can’t drop dead because the Dolphins will forever be bad under his tutelage but it would help if he did drop dead for a myriad of other reasons, so I’m torn.

    I’ll finish my politically charged rants about the scum of the earth by showing you this image, and you tell me what you see:

    What I see is a bunch of losers who couldn’t win in the Mahomes era, that’s what I see. Do they think they’re better than the 49ers or Eagles? They’re delusional if they do. They can’t get it done, what chance do these other teams have? I hope Quinnen Williams hits Tua so hard he decides to join the Peace Corps and just quits on the spot.

    The last time the Dolphins won a playoff game was in the year 2000. The next time will be in the year 3000.

    Read more here!
    Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
    1 – Chiefs
    2 – Rams
    3 – Eagles
    Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
    4 – Ravens
    5 – Texans
    6 – Packers
    7 – Steelers
    8 – Bengals
    9 – Bucs
    10 – Lions
    11 – Seahawks
    Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:
    12 – 49ers
    13 – Browns
    14 – Cowboys
    15 – Patriots
    16 – Commanders
    Unlucky/cursed but smarter than the remaining AFC East teams:
    17 – Bears
    18 – Vikings
    19 – Chargers
    Real questionable buffoonery since 1973, also known as the AFC East:
    20 – Bills
    August 13, 2024, 11:43 am