Every NFL Team, Ranked From Smartest To Dumbest: Falcons

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  • By Jared Russo

    Dunce cap-wearing teams, just dumber than a bag of bricks:

    #32 The Atlanta Falcons, the dumbest team according to me: can you believe what they did????

    Many may disagree with me, and I understand why, but it just seems as though self-flagellation fan Arthur Blank looked over at what David Tepper was doing off the field and said “oh I could do that but much worse on the field!” A lifelong loser, Blank watched his team piss away a free Super Bowl win from the sidelines as the team imploded in the worst loss of all time in any sport, to the most evil possible team that has been caught multiple times for cheating red-handed and got away with it. He’s done nothing for this team, he’s accomplished nothing, and for the past two decades had the masochistic pleasure of owning the dumbest NFL team. A totally irrelevant, forgettable, moribund, snakebitten, and truly stupid team that nobody should give a shit about, nor support. They should be relegated, sold off, moved to a new city, or have their name changed. Nobody needs the Falcons, especially not Georgia Bulldog fans.

    But he co-founded Home Depot, so that’s cool. He gives away a lot of money to charity, which is the least he could do with billions and billions of dollars hoarded away from you, the reader, who is probably broke or living paycheck to paycheck. Your money is in his pockets right now, there’s only a finite amount and you ain’t getting it!

    It doesn’t matter who their head coach is, or their GM, or their owner. Right now, they have the blind leading the blind without a plan, but it won’t matter. Cosmically this team is beyond a joke, beyond an afterthought, it just lives in oblivion, and wearing a throwback Vick jersey only reminds people of the heinous crimes he committed against dogs. It’s like this team is addicted to making the most bone-headed, head-scratching moves at every turn and then they beg people to think they’re geniuses, as if anyone gives an ounce of thought as to why they constantly do the most insanely idiotic things, throwing caution to the wind. I’ve seen better decision-making in an asylum for the mentally ill.

    If you thought the Jon Bois documentary didn’t already go over all of the pain points in this franchise’s history, then let me tell you about the last few seasons…

    Once they got Julio Jones in 2011, you can’t really point to any game-changing, all-time type guys they’ve drafted since. Who the hell is Zeke Motta? Desmond Trufant maybe? Devonta Freeman was a fun time for fantasy owners, for a little while anyway. Remember Vic Beasley? Nobody does. Austin Hooper ended up somewhere else, Calvin Ridley got suspended and traded, Russell Gage was a flash in the pan, and otherwise, it’s just the glut of weirdos currently headlining their offense: Kyle Pitts (who nobody wants to throw to), Drake London (who has never had a quarterback to catch from) and Bijan Robinson (who is never given the chance to run the ball, which is weird because that’s his job). Those players should be great but like, they aren’t so far. Why is that? (It’s hiring stupid coaches to do a bad job, then fail upwards with no accountability). Desmond Ridder was the best they could do to follow up the corpse of Matt Ryan? Tyler Allgeier has never worked out for anybody’s fantasy squad, and then we get to the worst decisions I’ve ever seen in sports.

    And I watched the Dolphins take Ted Ginn Jr. over Marshawn Lynch and Darrelle Revis! But nothing compares to this…

    They paid old man Kirk Cousins one trillion dollars to get put out to pasture on a bum leg, only to quickly turn around and realize that was a bad decision. Well, okay, you’re in a winnable division, you can salvage that before having your brains beaten in during the first round of the playoffs. All you had to do Atlanta is draft the best defensive prospect in the draft, and that will start to turn things around! And then they took an older rookie backup quarterback to NOT help Kirk Cousins throw screen passes to Kyle Pitts, a man who cannot score a touchdown if his life depended on it. Michael Penix is OLDER than Pitts/Robinson/London. Let that sink in.

    They didn’t meet with Penix. They didn’t let Cousins know ahead of time. Both guys are probably pissed beyond belief, wanting to start right away, and you bamboozled them both! You didn’t give Cousins a win-now piece to win now (which you were never going to do but that’s a different point entirely) so you just pissed everyone off and created a locker room crisis before the ball gets snapped. Galaxy brain take here, but if you have two or more quarterbacks you actually have zero. Notice how Patrick Mahomes never has to deal with this shit? Nobody knows his backup and nobody ever will.

    Listening to the explanation from the team makes me want to stick corn cob holders into both of my ears. They didn’t think Penix would be there at #8? OF COURSE HE WAS GOING TO, DO YOU IDIOTS NOT READ MOCK DRAFTS??? You don’t think there was going to be another QB this good coming down the road in the future? OF COURSE THERE WILL BE, THERE ALWAYS IS!!! You weren’t going to draft this high again in the future? OF COURSE YOU WILL, YOU’RE THE ATLANTA FALCONS, THE EPITOME OF MEDIOCRITY. You excel at being just good enough to seem respectable but never actually competent enough to do anything right. A room full of chimps throwing darts at a board could do better than you, I truly believe that.

    If you couldn’t win that Super Bowl against the Pats up 28-3 in the third quarter, then you will never win one. I’m not even from the South, I don’t care about the Falcons at all and yet they make me angry with the antics they get to pull off. I work my fucking ass off every day without a pay raise or promotion for years, inflation is skyrocketing, my rights are being stripped away thanks to voters in Georgia (watch me be right come November) and still, the amount of money I’ll make won’t come close to what they’re paying the current GM for one year’s worth of shit tier work.

    What a truly brain-dead operation from top to bottom. I don’t have to wish “nothing but the worse” for the Falcons, because they seem hellbent on doing it themselves. Pencil this squad in for another 7-10 season, the 8th overall pick again once Cousins gets hurt and Penix can’t play both sides of the ball when they give up 50 points a game to the other team, and then they can take another quarterback in next year’s draft. Unbelievable.

    The moron capital of the sports world is now Mercedes-Benz Stadium. A place where agents, players, and families can not be told about what’s going to happen ahead of time, a spot where your replacement could be getting hired the moment you agree to work at the Chick-fil-A booth. They will never win anything of consequence ever, and Arthur Blank should honestly just go walk into the ocean and never come back, because he doesn’t have to take down the good ol’ people of Georgia with him on his path to self-destruction. Unless Stacey Abrams can turn out the vote again, that would actually be fantastic for my mental health, depression, and anxiety. But I highly doubt it!

    These stupid assholes, they don’t deserve what they get, they don’t deserve anything but to be forgotten to time. The only thing good to come out of Atlanta sports-wise was when the Braves jerseys were misprinted to the “Barves”, that was fun.

    Never forget this man, who is generationally wealthy for winning exactly one playoff game, said if COVID kills him, then it kills him. Great attitude, buddy. So he’s just walking around infecting people all day, that’s cool. If we lived in a sane world not run by capitalists, we could actually regulate government agencies and give them the budget to combat deadly diseases like measles, “COVID-19” and “Falcons football.”

    But no one is coming to save us, not medicine, nor doctors, nor the government, nobody. We’re on our own, folks, so as antitrust and monopolies eat everything alive, just know there’s a bunch of ex-Falcons executives probably contributing to a think tank to eliminate the FDA. I can’t prove this, but I get that vibe.I bet you the concept of trickle-down economics also came from the Falcons organization, that would make sense to me.

    I wonder what you could buy with the money teams have given Kirk Cousins to win 1 single playoff game:

    •  Half a billion dollars worth of lottery tickets
    •  Houses for the homeless and food for the poor
    •  Pay off my student loans
    •  The world’s biggest pizza to break a world record
    •  A large Hadron Collider
    •  Millions of little toys from a dollar store
    •  Enough balloons to lift a house, like in “Up”
    •  Another, better, younger, healthier QB
    •  Invest in a new franchise and not be the Atlanta Falcons
    •  Stock in Apple
    •  Some sort of gigantic prank or flash mob
    •  Several yachts
    •  Gold teeth? Wait no, that can’t be right…

     

    They shouldn’t have done that, he’s an idiot and only mediocre! And old, coming off a horrible injury, what are you the Jets???

    The Atlanta Falcons: a commitment to being mediocre now, forever, and always. They should erect a plaque in Canton, Ohio that reads “this team drafted an RB and didn’t run him, took a TE and never threw him the ball, took a WR, and then signed two quarterbacks one of which has shredded Achilles tendon and the other a long history of broken legs.” They don’t have a defense and will still make the playoffs and win the division, then fold like a lawn chair. Georgia, expand the locations Zaxby’s operates in, put real sugar back into Coca-Cola, vote blue in November, collect every pitchfork and torch in Atlanta, and drive the Falcons out of town. Force them out of the NFL, permanently, for the good of everyone alive.

    I’m stunned, shocked, flabbergasted, and gobsmacked these people still know how to breathe.

    Read more here!
    Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
    1 – Chiefs
    2 – Rams
    3 – Eagles
    Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
    4 – Ravens
    5 – Texans
    6 – Packers
    7 – Steelers
    8 – Bengals
    9 – Bucs
    10 – Lions
    11 – Seahawks
    Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:
    12 – 49ers
    13 – Browns
    14 – Cowboys
    15 – Patriots
    16 – Commanders
    Unlucky/cursed but smarter than the remaining AFC East teams:
    17 – Bears
    18 – Vikings
    19 – Chargers
    Real questionable buffoonery since 1973, also known as the AFC East:
    20 – Bills
    21 – Dolphins
    22 – My Stupid Jets
    Irrelevant, boring, inconsequential, but mainly stupid otherwise:
    23 – Colts
    24 – Jaguars
    25 – Cardinals
    26 – Saints
    27 – Raiders
    28 – Titans
    Dunce cap-wearing teams, just dumber than a bag of bricks:
    29 – Giants
    30 – Broncos
    31 – Panthers
    32 – Falcons (pssssssst, you’re reading it right now, Braves fans, if you didn’t know already, those of you who can read)

     

    August 24, 2024, 11:54 am