Irrelevant, boring, inconsequential, but mainly stupid otherwise:

#28 Titans: you know, from Nashville

Titan up! It’s time for the team formerly known as the Oilers, which is a much cooler name.

As a general philosophy, a good rule of thumb to live by, if you’re running an NFL team, is that you need a man behind center to throw the ball down the field, over and over. Are you paying attention, Titans ownership, see this man is called a “quarterback” and that’s a position on the field you should have. Ideally, a professional one you would theoretically pay to help lead the team and win them games. It’s a novel concept, I know, you should look into getting one because I’m not sure if you all know this or not but the NFL now makes it easier than ever to throw for thousands of yards. It’s actually encouraged! The rules keep changing to favor offense, elite defenses no longer reward teams with Super Bowl wins, and with the season getting longer and longer (18 games soon!) you need a guy to stay upright back there to keep it all running smoothly. Fantasy football ruined some of the strategies, but concussions really made the league afraid, so they legislated defense out of the rulebook.

I think most teams in sports leagues are just fodder for the few good ones. They just are, joke franchises meant to be schedule filler like when Alabama plays The Citadel to start the season. These fluff teams are the Penguin- or Two Face-hired goons, brought in to allow Batman to beat them all up. It’s rich people tricking poor people into paying for credit card debt and late fees. It’s all a con to enrich the people at the top and the teams at the top. That is what you are, Tennessee Titans. Extraneous, immaterial, pointless, unnecessary, and unimportant.

I’m assuming there are fans of this team. Not many, but I’m sure they have to be out there. Dozens of people from Tennessee rooting for this invisible franchise who I forget about more often than Michael Bluth forgets about Anne. This team is such an afterthought, so devoid of doing anything mildly exciting, that I’m sure the games play regularly on TVs in elderly homes and retirement centers to put boomers to sleep. Even looking up who the owner, GM, and head coach were made me yawn and give up, like who gives a shit? The Jets should have fired defensive coordinator masquerading as a head coach Robert Saleh and hired Mike Vrabel! How do you let him go and think you’re going to find a better replacement? To do what, to coach up Will Levis? Who the fuck is Will Levis anyways? Everybody knows he eats banana peels and coffee with mayo in it, clearly the taste of a man who is concussed beyond belief.

Malik Willis is a different person? It’s not just one name for one man, Malik Willis Levis? Am I reading this right? And didn’t Calvin Ridley get suspended for gambling? Why would anyone think this team is winning more than like 3 games this season? They’re awful beyond belief, jesus fucking christ what a vapid and pointless exercise to have to research and write about this team.

Anywho, let’s look at who the Titans drafted in the past decade or so:

• Not a winning or successful quarterback
• Not a winning or successful quarterback
• Not a winning or successful quarterback
• Not a winning or successful quarterback
• Derrick Henry in an age of anti-running back analytics and the rules favoring passing
• Not a winning or successful quarterback
• Not a winning or successful quarterback
• Not a winning or successful quarterback
• Not a winning or successful quarterback
• Not a winning or successful quarterback
• Not a winning or successful quarterback
• Not a winning or successful quarterback
• AJ Brown who they then gave up for basically nothing to a much smarter team
• Not a winning or successful quarterback
• Not a winning or successful quarterback
• Not a winning or successful quarterback
• Not a winning or successful quarterback

Wow, way to go Tennessee. I hope you and the offensive tackles you’ve taken away from my Jets over the years have made you really happy because your existence makes me miserable. Do we even need the Titans? Honestly, like why do we need so many NFL teams (other than corporate greed) when there are barely enough QBs to go around? Nobody needs the Titans, nobody wants them, and we can do without them. Give those offensive linemen to me, I’ll put them to work protecting Rodger’s blindside. The Titans are always the team you forget about last when doing a Sporcle quiz, that’s how fictitious they almost seem like a CFL squad who got their paperwork mixed up and now have to play the Chiefs on Sunday. What a sad state of affairs we allow this grift to happen, suckering in “fans” to “root” for the “Titans”. Fake ass team.

What has my life become, where I’m having to write about this team for no money and only “exposure.” I’ve worked at Sports Ethos for years and haven’t seen a dime, maybe I should rank myself on this list soon.

Are we even sure the Titans exist? I have to ask because there is no objective truth anymore, we have crossed the Rubicon on facts and human knowledge in an age of digital horseshit. Everyone can just believe anything they want to, read online, or get told to believe in, and that’s good enough for most people. But you can’t do that, Titans, because you don’t ever win, so you can’t believe you’re worthy of being in the league or existing.

At least it’s comforting to know the end of our species will not come from sports, because at the end of the day, you can’t really pay a computer to play the games each week. You actually have to win, winning and losing matters and that seems to guide most things in sports. Who is hired, fired, etc. That’s logical, to me, valuing winning, that’s a common sense-driven way to look at things. At least for the most part, because you’d think losing for 10,000 straight seasons would get some sort of change going in the right direction, but if you’re cool to just be insane and do the same thing over and over expecting different results, then continue to draft players who cannot throw a football more than ten yards downfield.

I have never seen a faster rise and fall in one short span of time that basically created and then summarily ended a team’s history more than the Dyson lateral and then the Dyson stop at the 1. A perfect summation, they should have retired the Titans right then and there, because nothing that came after that was worth a damn. Fuck Steve McNair getting co-MVP with Peyton Manning, that was stupid. Your logo, uniforms, name, everything is just a waste of time. As useless as tits on a bull.

Now, about Ja Morant waving those guns around…

Read more here!

Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
1 – Chiefs
2 – Rams
3 – Eagles

Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
4 – Ravens
5 – Texans
6 – Packers
7 – Steelers
8 – Bengals
9 – Bucs
10 – Lions
11 – Seahawks

Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:
12 – 49ers
13 – Browns
14 – Cowboys
15 – Patriots
16 – Commanders

Unlucky/cursed but smarter than the remaining AFC East teams:
17 – Bears
18 – Vikings
19 – Chargers

Real questionable buffoonery since 1973, also known as the AFC East:
20 – Bills
21 – Dolphins
22 – My Stupid Jets

Irrelevant, boring, inconsequential, but mainly stupid otherwise:
23 – Colts
24 – Jaguars
25 – Cardinals
26 – Saints
27 – Raiders