Dunce cap-wearing teams, just dumber than a bag of bricks:

#31 (North? South?) Carolina Panthers: not to be confused with the Florida Panthers

I will give the Carolina Panthers some credit. Not much, but a little. They rightfully identified that winning it all in the NFL now requires a franchise QB, and that you have to tank in order to draft that player. Unfortunately, they chose the wrong guy, and to their detriment, gave away the farm to move up and get him. Plus, the owner is the worst jerk ass we’ve seen since James Dolan committed all those crimes against humanity and Donald Sterling committed all of that racism.

Ownership aside (more on that in a moment), let’s see what the post-Cam Newton post-Riverboat Ron era wildcats look like (I like calling them that because I have zero respect for them). Oh wow, they took Christian McCaffrey, he’s very good! Whoops he’s gone. Never mind him, it’s time for Matt Rhule, Teddy Bridgewater, and Sam Darnold to light things up! Oh no, they didn’t, aww shucks, well it’s a good thing… oh Luke Kuechly retired because we let him almost die of CTE, darn that sucks. Oh well, things will turn around with… (looks at notes) oh they traded away Robbie Anderson, huh? And Rhule is gone too? Well, shit. Alright, time to give up DJ Moore, two first-round picks and two second-round picks for a tiny unproven quarterback because analytics told us to do so, all the while dumping Brian Burns for peanuts and giving the reins to Chuba Hubbard. That will surely work out well, especially since our backup Matt Corral is waiting in the wings to take over! Oh wait, what’s that, I’m being told everything they’ve done has not worked out and the odds of Jonathan Mingo being a bust are quite high.

Better prepare yourselves, 2024 draft class, you should be looking to rent and not own in downtown Charlotte. I’m sure new head coach (quickly googles name and resume) Dave Canales will save this team and its future prospects, and make sure a guy who can’t see over his awful offensive line at any given point will turn Xavier Legette, Jonathon Brooks, and Ja’Tavion Sanders into “weapons.” Brooks is going to be on IR all year. Jonathan Mingo and Xavier Legette should ask for trade requests yesterday.

If the Atlanta Falcons didn’t exist, and there were no cell phone cameras around, then the Panthers wouldn’t look as bad as they do. What a world that would be, the Panthers being competent. I mean, if New England hadn’t recorded their practices ahead of that Super Bowl, maybe we would live in that world. But alas dear reader, there is no justice in our shared timeline and we are cursed to have to watch the Panthers attempt to do anything. You can’t dig yourself out of a hole by digging further into the ground, but if there’s a team willing to try, by god it’ll be David Tepper and his Panthers. Keep pounding, you total nitwits. Why does anybody pay to go see their games, is my last question.

No it’s not, sorry, last question is actually is: David Tepper a real human being with more money than god himself or is he just a Nathan Fielder stunt gone wrong?

Okay, now I have more questions. Like who is the bald angry man who thinks he knows better, purchasing the team? Time to break down the antics of a raging psychopath and his quest to embarrass himself harder than anyone has in record time.

• Worked for Goldman Sachs, evil
• 1987 stock market crash? Come on man
• Made a hedge fund, evil
• Has billions of dollars, evil
• Praised Trump for corporate tax cuts, evil
• Owns a pair of brass testicles on his desk, rubs them for luck, laughably ridiculous
• Invests in Alibaba and Amazon, evil
• Donated to former US House Speaker and tanning salon victim John Boehner, evil
• Supported Jeb Bush for president, laughably ridiculous
• Hired/fired 6 head coaches in 6 years
• Threw a drink at a fan, got fined $300,000
• Whatever the fuck this was, evil

Do me a favor Tepper. Shut up. Go away. You clearly don’t know what you’re doing so just say so. Shove all that money up your ass, you prehistoric lunatic, and eat piles of shit to humble yourself because you’re WORSE than the previous owner, and that guy paid off women and used slurs (which honestly, I’m sure most of these owners have done but the smart ones just covered it up better). They had to remove the statue of him outside of the stadium, they only do that for Confederate Generals, it all adds up if you ask me.

Anyways, Bryce Young I can still continue to bag on, rag on, and be a straight-up hater until he becomes good enough. Which he won’t, most likely. I’m taller than Bryce Young and I don’t have a wet noodle for an arm, give me a million to run around a field and get sacked. The Panthers will never do anything of consequence as long as I live, which isn’t long. Just like the Hornets and the Hurricanes. Michael Jordan is the GOAT of basketball but still a truly disastrous owner who set a precedent for Tepper. He is the new MJ for (north? south?) Carolina. Keep pounding Panthers nation, pounding sand! Stick to college sports, you ingrates. Imbeciles. Philistines. Dumbass nincompoops. Adam Thielen was great on the Vikings like 10 years ago, but he is washed up now. Get a real coach and not a pretend receiver to sit on the sidelines NOT catching wild passes from Bryce.

Bryce, that’s a stupid name, too. Sorry to all the Bryce’s out there reading this. Change your name.

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Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
1 – Chiefs
2 – Rams
3 – Eagles

Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
4 – Ravens
5 – Texans
6 – Packers
7 – Steelers
8 – Bengals
9 – Bucs
10 – Lions
11 – Seahawks

Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:
12 – 49ers
13 – Browns
14 – Cowboys
15 – Patriots
16 – Commanders

Unlucky/cursed but smarter than the remaining AFC East teams:
17 – Bears
18 – Vikings
19 – Chargers

Real questionable buffoonery since 1973, also known as the AFC East:
20 – Bills
21 – Dolphins
22 – My Stupid Jets

Irrelevant, boring, inconsequential, but mainly stupid otherwise:
23 – Colts
24 – Jaguars
25 – Cardinals
26 – Saints
27 – Raiders
28 – Titans

Dunce cap-wearing teams, just dumber than a bag of bricks:
29 – Giants
30 – Broncos