Every NFL Team, Ranked From Smartest To Dumbest: Jets

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  • By Jared Russo

    Real questionable buffoonery since 1973, also known as the AFC East:

    #22 Jets: My stinky, beloved New York football Jets, not to be confused with the Winnipeg Jets

    This is the year it dawned on me: we let the criminally insane run the asylum. But like, every institution as an asylum. Every branch of government, every sports franchise, everything. The CDC, the FDA, the Supreme Court, hospitals, roads, and police stations; all cannot be trusted anymore because too many shitty, stupid, evil people ruined them.

    If RFK Jr.’s running mate moonlights as the quarterback of your favorite football team, then you know you are in trouble. Deep, deep trouble. I think we are still a top ten team, better than the Cowboys, Rams, Bills, and arguably the Dolphins (depends on who is healthier) but we are not better than the Bengals, Ravens, Texans, Packers, Lions, Eagles, 49ers or Chiefs. We did not trade for Tee Higgins, and we did not trade for Brandon Aiyuk and we didn’t go all in for Davante Adams. And I wonder if hanging out with an anti-intellectual, anti-government, anti-science leader would —

    No Sauce noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not my favorite player being turned to the dark side. We need to get this man to reconsider and then register people to vote against fascism in November!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I can’t believe I have to root for this junk team, this trash heap franchise, this garbage organization. The secret to football is, and has always been, to knock down the other team’s quarterback and to keep your quarterback upright. That’s it, that’s the entire game, and if both guys are standing then the better one wins. The sack rate can only take you so far if your QBR is bad. Enter the Jets, who last year dreamed of replicating the Tamp Bay Bucs with Tom Brady, except they forgot to include two WR studs and Rodgers didn’t release the ball 1 second after he touched it. Brady had a good line and got rid of it as soon as he could to Fournette, Evans, and Godwin. Rodgers scrambled around a bad line and failed to get rid of it immediately to our one good pass catcher on a field of shotty grass and mud. Snap. Season over, pack it up, put everyone on ice, wait until September 2024. Try again, fuck you.

    It’s almost as if I am Othello and everyone involved in the Jets organization is Iago, just stabbing me in the back repeatedly. If we do a quick vibe check on, oh IDK let’s say the Detroit Lions, it seems excellent. A fantastic atmosphere where everyone is good, healthy, on the same page, and motivated to win. Not so much for the Jets!!!!! Saleh apparently has never spoken once in his life to Aaron Rodgers, they hate each other because Rodgers secretly runs the team. Garrett Wilson is already arguing with him on the sidelines, he’ll want out before his rookie deal is over. Sauce is getting introduced to right-wing politics, it’s all just very bad vibes right now. The exact opposite of a “championship” caliber roster.

    I’ve already written a tome on this team’s past, present, and future. As an open letter to team owner and walking “blue lives matter” flag Woody Johnson, I laid into the franchise for being historically stupid, year in and year out. The missed draft picks, the players fans screamed and chanted to take (Marino, Sapp, etc.), and how we could all collectively run this organization better than anyone hired by a man Trump hired to lick as many boots overseas as possible. And we can, I fully believe that. No fans in America are smarter, more knowledgeable, or savvier than us New Yorkers.

    Even Reddick doesn’t want to be here, why the fuck did we let the Eagles fleece us like that?

    Building a team around your defense and not your quarterback is automatically stupid unless you’re the Baltimore Ravens like ten years ago. How is anyone going to tackle now because of this new dumb hip swivel rule, defensive players will be flagged for more roughing calls than any other season, so way to go Jets you blew it. Now if you somehow get to the Super Bowl and have to play like, Jordan Love for instance, would I be wrong or bad for insinuating or suggesting a bench guy comes into the game, intentionally just steps on Love’s knees over and over, mauls him into GB using a back-up and then you win? Like, Rodgers could ride out that backlash ala the Patriots and Astros, and then in 50 years everyone would look back and say “wow they won!”

    The Lakers have that immunity, but we all know the league hosed the Sacramento Kings that one year, so does it matter? Is intelligence tied to morality? Are all of these things, luck, skill, talent, fate, just man-made constructs invented to rationalize a cold and uncaring universe —  oh hey look at that Haason Reddick is holding out. Fuck me.

    So let’s just skip past the angry rant my editor will inevitably carve out of this one, past Leonard Williams and Christian Hackenberg, past Marcus Maye and Jamal Adams (we burned Seattle on that one), past Quinnen Williams, HUGE bust Mekhi Becton, Denzel Mims, Ashtyn Davis, Bryce Hall, and past Sam Darnold whose fleece is white as snow. This is all about, and starts with, the worst quarterback bust of all time. The single worst. An unforgivable sin that automatically drops you 20 spots on this list regardless of any future success. The team CHOSE to hire perpetually confused and crosseyed town jester Adam Gase, and they CHOSE to not tank every game. They didn’t WANT Trevor Lawrence, they failed to lose every game imaginable, and now we have to pay the consequences.

    Zach Wilson is not a professional football player. He isn’t a professional Canadian football player. He’s not a professional arena football player. He’s a bum. Cannot play, cannot do anything right, and I would take Jamarcus Russell 100/100 times, every time, every day no question. Without hesitation, I would have cut him from the roster the moment he gave that quote not placing blame on himself for the loss that happened 100% because of him. That’s QB 101, they teach you that on the first day: always shoulder the blame, never others, and be a leader. It’s so simple!!! Take accountability and don’t pass the buck. And yet…

    All you had to do was intentionally lose every game for Trevor Lawrence, and you absolute fucking dolts couldn’t even do that right. Woody Johnson deserves to burn in hell, the bad part, like the 9th circle of hell for all of eternity. Maybe not his family, because they did the Johnson and Johnson vaccine (don’t tell a certain bugaboo). But they won’t because there is no hell, no heaven, no justice in this world. The most evil people always get away with it and money always wins in the end. That’s the lesson here folks, never have faith, any faith whatsoever, in a team who calls themselves a New York team but plays in New Jersey. There are no good billionaires, there are no good Jets outcomes, and there is nothing good to look forward to moving forward.

    Joe Douglas will forever have that Wilson mark, a stain on his permanent record. A tiny white guy from BYU who looks like he’s 15 and acts like he’s 12 should not be drafted under any circumstances. Now, we then went on to get Alijah Vera-Tucker, Elijah Moore, two Michael Carters who were good for us, DROY Sauce Gardner my favorite player, OROY Garrett Wilson who has the patience of a saint, Jermaine Johnson, Breece Hall, and Joe Tippmann. I went ballistic when Joe took Will McDonald in the first round last year, which I will continue to deem a horrifically bad fit because our entire roster is made up of pass rushers and we didn’t need another one. Luckily, they listened to me screaming at my television for months about taking an offensive lineman at #10, and they traded back for a legit OL in Olu Fashanu at #11. I’ve been yelling at the top of my lungs for years to upgrade the offensive line and they finally did the right thing by not being tempted by Brock Bowers.

    In order to win it all, you need a top-five QB, an offensive line, and a professional head coach. Spoilers: that’s the solution to winning. Most NFL coaches are just coordinators playing dress up, most QBs are wastes of time, and if you can’t keep your QB upright then just forget it. The Chiefs won without anybody to catch the ball more than ten yards downfield, what is everybody else’s excuse? Now, for us moving forward, can Malachi Corley be a great WR? Maybe a gadget guy, who knows. Did we need to draft two running backs in the 4th and 5th? No. Should we be relying on some of the oldest and most injury-prone players at key positions imaginable (Allen Lazard, Solomon Thomas, Haason Reddick, Mike Williams, CJ Mosley, Morgan Moses, Tyron Smith, Tyrod Taylor, Greg Zuerlein, Thomas Morstead, and Aaron Rodgers)? No. Not great, Bob!

    Will this all work out to be a repeat of last year? Maybe, considering the field we play on is made of quicksand and everyone involved with MetLife Stadium and the NFL would rather be cheap than install real grass to their own detriment. I think Rodgers lasts more than a quarter before the team collapses and has to be rushed to a shitty hospital somewhere in Hoboken. Is this roster a playoff team? Absolutely. Is this team a legit contender? I highly doubt it, because we are the Jets and do Jets-ian things and nothing good ever happens to us and I hate my life, okay I’m going to stop writing now before things get sad, or really go off the rails.

    Dumb team, forever and always, who needs Joe Douglas? I could have read mock drafts and done just as well as you, and also not traded so much for Rodgers, a man who will believe anything written on the internet at first glance. Why do so many “free thinkers” and “geniuses” and “Jeopardy hosts” all come to the same conclusion about vaccinations? By the way, the moment Aaron said he was “immunized” was the moment we all should have known he was a fucking liar. A deceitful, brain-worm-riddled man who replaces clever wordplay for actual insight. Using that line to avoid vaccination questions doesn’t make you smart, it makes you look like a stupid asshole. Being vaccinated and not questioning doctors is what makes you smart. Duplicitous shit-for-brains. I remember when Fox News told LeBron James to shut up and dribble when he tried to advocate for his political beliefs, and it was wrong for them to do that! But in this case, Aaron I need you to personally shut the fuck up forever, throw the ball, win games, and then go away from the public eye and remain silent.

    The Rodgers schtick is beyond tired at this point, I’m so sick of having to be the ambassador of every friend group giving a statement on his truther/paid actor conspiracy theory peddling yapper like I personally work for Jets public relations. Can he please just manage the game as Manning did in Denver, not ever open his mouth to dangerous ideas people in the flyover states could regurgitate at Thanksgiving? Manning ended his career by being on every television program and commercial imaginable, and I want the opposite from Rodgers. Forever. I can easily go the rest of my life never hearing from him again and I will be much better off, brain cells intact. Stop influencing right-wingers to infect each other with COVID, or diseases that can be easily cured. Please just throw the ball quickly, don’t get tackled, and go away forever please. Vile filth.

    What a fucking hypocrite! Weasel. Snake. You know inevitably when the season starts we’ll all find out he’s washed, he doesn’t have chemistry with our one good WR because he skipped training camp, and will decide to just run as an independent candidate with a platform written by ChatGPT. He needs to be barred from answering any questions at pre and post-game press conferences just to save everyone the hassle of cringing.

    He pissed away all goodwill he had from Green Bay or holding the American flag on the 9/11 Monday Night Football and probably thinks aliens or mole people have infiltrated the CIA. You know that part in “The Usual Suspects” where Verbal Kint suckers in his mark, lying and gaining trust, just to get control of the whole narrative and everything goes his way until it’s too late? That’s Aaron Rodgers and a fanbase of millions.

    Do you know how fucking insufferable it is to root for this team? Be held responsible for their actions as if I disagree with 95% of them. We all knew Adam Gase was a disaster hiring, we all know Nathaniel Hackett is a shadow puppet with very obvious strings to pull, and we just have to sit around and wait with our thumbs up our asses as Eric Bieniemy goes to college and Brian Flores goes to Minnesota and Mike Vrabel goes to get shit faced at a bar.

    Hack didn’t give a running back the ball inside the 5-yard line in the red zone all season. Our new 4th string QB Martinez, who played in the XFL, already looks better than Zach Wilson ever was. Truly the most evil thing to happen is the Jets got tempted by a single combine throw from Zach against zero pressure and with no pads on, and forgot it’s all about brains and not arm strength. Dolts. I hope Zach Wilson steps on a land mine, takes a long walk off a short pier, or practices with the Broncos in the middle of oncoming traffic. Wasted years of my life, to the degree that I had to increase my Zoloft dosage.

    If a single important player gets hurt it’s over, shut the season down. Literally, prevent the other guys from playing. Sauce, Breece, Garrett, Williams brothers, any of them. Just scrap it for parts, fire sale, get rid of everyone on the sidelines, and start over from scratch. Fuck Woody Johnson and fuck this garbage-ass team. RFK Jr. is my quarterback’s idol and he’s a walking zombie that nobody wants to put down yet.

    I could honestly run this team better than Joe Douglas. How do you people keep letting Howie boondoggle you all????? Stop getting ripped off and trading for guys without a contractual plan in place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The epitome of stupid and desperate.

    I wish I was dead.

    Read more here!
    Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
    1 – Chiefs
    2 – Rams
    3 – Eagles
    Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
    4 – Ravens
    5 – Texans
    6 – Packers
    7 – Steelers
    8 – Bengals
    9 – Bucs
    10 – Lions
    11 – Seahawks
    Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:
    12 – 49ers
    13 – Browns
    14 – Cowboys
    15 – Patriots
    16 – Commanders
    Unlucky/cursed but smarter than the remaining AFC East teams:
    17 – Bears
    18 – Vikings
    19 – Chargers
    Real questionable buffoonery since 1973, also known as the AFC East:
    20 – Bills
    21 – Dolphins
    August 14, 2024, 2:59 pm