Irrelevant, boring, inconsequential, but mainly stupid otherwise:

#24 London Jaguars: [trademark pending]

I’ve been to Jacksonville before. That place is a rancid shithole. A total dump, and I’m constantly astonished that so many people live there. In the grand scheme of things, cosmically speaking, the infinitesimal amount of time the Jaguars have existed is just miniscule, compared to the other teams. Or most life who grew into vertebrates. And out of that entire time, there was exactly one moment your franchise could have climbed out of the dumpster tier, and the Jaguars were on the verge of doing what the Detroit Lions, Houston Texans, and Cleveland Browns have never done. Your one shot at lifting the Jags name out of the mud and into a new echelon of NFL ownership was………

YOU BLEW IT!!!!!!

That was it, and you blew it. Your entire team was built for this moment, you hired the right guy and just fumbled the bag so hard. You could have killed the Pats dynasty, but noooooooooooooooo Jalen Ramsey had to go and jinx it. Old man Brady, I bet you he didn’t even need to cheat to beat you that day, although I suspect he still tried and got away with something. He probably looked around and realized he was playing the Jaguars and said “oh right” and then you just lost right there on the spot.

Your window is closed, you are in the bottom five NFL franchises easily, rock bottom, locked in the basement, stuck there forever. Tom Coughlin bolted, your owner is a cartoon villain with a cartoon mustache and a son who is better in a wrestling ring than a boardroom. And the only reason Trevor Lawrence fell into your laps is because the Jets couldn’t seal the deal on tanking correctly. You can’t let the Jets bail you out, that’s not a sustainable model to build on (or maybe it is, just don’t be the Jaguars when you do it).

I could write tomes about Urban Meyer being an all-time shitheel bad guy in sports history, he sucks more than words can express. I hate him with the fury, heat, and intensity of a thousand suns, and he is easily the dumbest Neanderthal to have a successful career in football, college, or otherwise. His being involved in telecasts actively brings down that pre and post-game coverage to being a joke, how does this jackass continue to get hired other than being a white man who failed upwards spending decades of “goodwill” and cashing in on junk gigs.

But since I’m almost done writing up all 32 teams, and the Jags fell at the end because honestly who has hot takes about the Jacksonville Jaguars, I don’t care enough to really get into criticizing the support that surrounds Lawrence. On paper, it seems good enough, and that one comeback playoff win seems like it was a decade ago. It was not a decade ago, it was two years ago. That should have been the start of something and not the end. Last year the Texans punched you directly in the mouth and you fell down and couldn’t get up, to save your life. Pathetic.

Here are some losers who I remember seeing get drafted and then their existence immediately fell out of my brain because they play for the Jags: Allen Robinson, Dante Fowler, TJ Yeldon, Myles Jack, Yannick Ngakoue, Leonard Fournette, Cam Robinson, DJ Chark, Josh Oliver, Quincy Williams, Travis Etienne, Travon Walker, Tank Bigsby and Brian Thomas. People’s careers don’t start or end in Jacksonville, they just go there to die, a sort of NFL freeport, or sports purgatory, as guys just transfer portal to North Florida and then away never to be heard from again. A lot of those players are great! Some joined teams that had success, even, but it wasn’t because of them. Trust me, Fournette did not win Tampa a title.

I liked Gardner Minshew in the sixth round. He’s better than a lot of guys starting right now! I like the Mississippi Mustache. Lawrence is good too! It won’t matter though, let’s all just wait another decade for Mahomes to age out, and whichever child ages into the next elite quarterback, just start scouting for him now. Go to pop warner leagues, evaluate the talent, and grind the tape, because the Jags are a circus run by ass clowns, with a greasy veneer of normalcy you’d expect with every other professional team. Doug Pederson won that Super Bowl and rightfully will dine out his entire life on it. As he should, but it won’t be on Jacksonville and the Jags will never make that Super Bowl and I will bet my life on it. Easiest bet I’ve ever made. They will never do it and so far I’ve been right.

Read more here!

Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
1 – Chiefs
2 – Rams
3 – Eagles

Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
4 – Ravens
5 – Texans
6 – Packers
7 – Steelers
8 – Bengals
9 – Bucs
10 – Lions
11 – Seahawks

Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:
12 – 49ers
13 – Browns
14 – Cowboys
15 – Patriots
16 – Commanders

Unlucky/cursed but smarter than the remaining AFC East teams:
17 – Bears
18 – Vikings
19 – Chargers

Real questionable buffoonery since 1973, also known as the AFC East:
20 – Bills
21 – Dolphins
22 – My Stupid Jets

Irrelevant, boring, inconsequential, but mainly stupid otherwise:
23 – Colts