Every NFL Team, Ranked From Smartest To Dumbest: Commanders

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  • By Jared Russo

    Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:

    #16 Commanders: aka the Washington D.C. Football Team, or the Pigskins, or Hogs, or the Armada, or one of those other alternate nicknames they didn’t go with I can’t keep up anymore

    I was going to skip this team and just put up a sign that says “can’t evaluate, under new management” because they got rid of Dan Snyder, the shambling human version of a workplace harassment lawsuit come to life. Their ‘by the definition of the word’ ‘letter of the law’ ‘textbook example’ of a racist name went by unscathed for decades and nobody seemed to notice. How did that happen???? It was a color, and then the word “skin,” and an image attached of a person from a particular background who could be called by that slur!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I blame the boomers for that, and in place of their casual xenophobia towards Native Americans, the shadowy cabal of corporate suits who run the team chose… nothing as the new name. For two years. No new name, just a placeholder. I could have done that for free! They came up with nothing, and then way too many people came out and said that they liked that name, for some weird reason. Like, just genuinely loved not having a nickname. That threw me for a loop, so very, incredibly stupid.

    The last time you jabronis were good was back in the ‘90s. Remember the 1990s? Greatest decade in human history, shame it had to end with Columbine, Bush v. Gore, 9/11, and the Tuck Rule game. We had a surplus, the internet didn’t suck, movies were saved by indie directors and not ruined by CGI yet, rap music really came into its own, TV evolved from lame sitcoms, and video games became mainstream. I’m waxing poetic about an America that no longer exists, except I get to do it properly because the tax code wasn’t rigged against the middle class and I’m not using conservative dog whistles to signify racists to storm the capital. Where was Dan Snyder on January 6th? And why do both NFL fans and insurrectionists paint their faces and dress up in silly costumes?

    Don’t answer that, they’re the same. Some of those who work forces are the same who burn crosses.

    The now-labeled Commanders have a good track record of taking guys who play elsewhere, or decently for Washington until they get hurt (or turn out to be arsonists or something). RGIII, Kirk Cousins, 3rd rounder Morgan Moses, 3rd rounder Jordan Reed, 4th rounder Jamison Crowder, 1st rounder Josh Doctson, 4th rounder Samaje Perine, these dudes bounced around and contributed. Contributed to what exactly? Not much, but they weren’t total disasters, as many fantasy managers can attest to. Well, Derrius Guice was a total disaster, but whatever.

    And then you started cooking with some gas: Montez Sweat in the 1st, Terry McLaurin in the 3rd, Chase Young in the 1st, Antonio Gibson in the 3rd, but then that streak of brilliance just quickly evaporated, the whole winning plan soured over the name change. The only guys I could find that I knew were Jahan Dotson, Brian Robinson Jr., and Sam Howell. Sam Howell sucks, and no one on the team knew until like a year too late into his tenure. How does that happen?

    Holy shit is that bleak. I mean, this team took a guy named Chris Paul (not that one) and even that factoid isn’t even mildly amusing, I can’t get over that tweet! The reason this team is below the Patriots is that they don’t really know how to tank properly, they just kind of do it out of sheer incompetence. Also, I should note, since I’m Mr. “draft a quarterback who is worth a damn at any cost even though it’s finding a needle in a haystack and I’ll criticize you for trying,” I can still recognize that Dwayne Haskins Jr. was a very tragic and sad story. Trading for Carson Wentz is the exact opposite, that was extremely hilarious.

    So what does this team officially have left without Dan Snyder, formerly the worst owner in pro sports? Just some new ownership, new upper management, the curse that follows Dan Quinn everywhere he goes, whatever draft capital you got for shipping out Chase Young, and some brand new toys. Jayden Daniels could become the new Robert Griffin for you all over again, so that’s exciting until it ends with him running around and scrambling for his life and then ultimately suffering some sort of inevitable knee injury.

    Scary Terry is great, I like your running backs, I LOVE Michigan hero Mike Sainristil and plenty of experts praised your draft and free agency. So there ya go, Commanders fans, you did all the right things to appear functional (for now). But the moment Daniels turns into a pumpkin as midnight approaches, it’s curtains for this team (again). But if he’s good, and he beats the odds, and I’m wrong, then you actually have a fresh direction to go in with new principal owner Josh Harris, the guy who……………….OWNS THE PHILADELPHIA 76ERS?????

    Oh shit never mind, RIP to this fanbase lol this team isn’t winning anything ever. Lower leg injury surgeons should move from Philly to DC starting in September, going to be a lot of Achille’s ACL/MCL tears soon enough. Don’t trust this process, folks, it will only lead to heartbreak and breaks of many other kinds. They should replace the field with medical gauze preemptively.

    Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
    1 – Chiefs
    2 – Rams
    3 – Eagles
    Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
    4 – Ravens
    5 – Texans
    6 – Packers
    7 – Steelers
    8 – Bengals
    9 – Bucs
    10 – Lions
    11 – Seahawks
    Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:
    12 – 49ers
    13 – Browns
    14 – Cowboys
    15 – Patriots
    August 8, 2024, 2:32 pm