Irrelevant, boring, inconsequential, but mainly stupid otherwise:

#23 Colts: wouldn’t this team be cooler if they were the Indiana Stallions?

I think I speak for everyone when I say: we agree that Indiana, as a state, sucks shit through a straw, right? It’s the white capital of the world, a harbinger for pure evil come to life as right-wing politicians try out their sick and twisted campaign material, and if it wasn’t for Caitlin Clark and Peyton Manning the only person to look up to in Fort Wayne would be Reggie Miller. Yikes.

So I can’t blame the miserable IU grads out there for torpedoing Andrew Luck’s career, I’m sure they’re the only smart ones around for hundreds of miles. Wasting Luck’s transcendent talent to the point where he just retired out of the blue, is unforgivable. The poor guy would rather keep his brain intact than play another down for the Colts because they failed to invest in an O-line that wouldn’t get him comatose. And I can’t say that I disagree, hell, I would do the same. He’s smart for getting out! Good for you Andrew. This is all on Jim Irsay’s shoulders, the Mad Tweeter, who clearly needed to step away from microphones and go back to rehab.

He didn’t, and so the following cavalcade of unfortunate events happened in succession:

• The Colts release your GM, Jim Caldwell, Joseph Addai, Dallas Clark, and Gary Brackett
• Luck gets drafted along with Coby Fleener, we all draft Fleener as our fantasy tight end
• Chuck Pagano has an incredibly somber and touching battle with leukemia and that genuinely sucks, I wish him nothing but the best, cancer is the worst
• Reggie Wayne rides off into the sunset as a hero
• Marvin Harrison’s son is probably getting into shape to lose to Michigan several years in a row
• You then trade for obvious bust Trent Richardson for some reason
• Chris Ballard gets hired as GM to replace Ryan Grigson
• Josh McDaniels bails on the team and rescinds the offer to be the head coach, that’s not too ominous or foreboding at all
• Frank Reich gets hired after the Eagles outwit the Pats in the Super Bowl
• Quenton Nelson and Shaq Leonard become the rare rookies to be First-Team All-Pro
• Luck quits the sport two weeks before the start of the season, very wise on his part
• Left scrambling, Jacoby Brissett fails to set the world on fire despite being respectable for such short notice
• Philip Rivers and his noodle arm fail to get it done, and you pay him $25 million ha ha ha
• Ballard, in all of his infinite wisdom, trades for Carson Wentz. When that obviously doesn’t work, he gets dumped to the Commanders
• Matt Ryan becomes the next washed veteran to come in and just collapse, turning their career into dust before our very eyes
• Irsay tweets throughout this entire process and should clearly just keep his mouth shut and donate money to good causes (this goes for all wealthy people)
• Jeff Saturday is shockingly hired, and even more surprisingly he wins a game! Against the Raiders, no less, because they are technically dumber than the Colts
• Sam Ehlinger plays football for you, that’s fucking bananas
• Irsay then plays footsies with Jonathan Taylor’s contract and loses all the leverage by saying way too much publicly
• The team poaches Shane Steichen from the Eagles as the new head coach
• Anthony Richardson becomes the face of the franchise, a man who is intent on getting injured faster than Luck did by running into every defender like a pinball through bumpers
• Michael Pittman Jr. turns out to be very good
• Ballard drafts Laiatu Latu

Did I do a good job wrapping up like ten years of controversy and mediocrity? Man was this team very good at being .500 throughout the ups and downs. That’s almost impressive! Considering that there is nobody in this division to actually compete with the Colts. How has this team not been able to recruit an actual quarterback during that entire stretch, and is it because Luck just texts free agents “don’t go there.”

I’ll just sum things up by saying good luck to everybody on the team, you’re all swell and we’re counting on you. Phillip Dorsett was a bust, Malik Hooker and Parris Campbell have great names, Marlon Mack and Nyheim Hines were fun for a few weeks, they drafted a man named E.J. Speed in the 5th round, Rock Ya-Sin has a wonderful name, and so does Kwity Paye. The 2nd round selections of Pittman and Taylor were very smart, but for every home run you have an equal amount of Alec Pierces. Just a ho-hum team that swims along and doesn’t do anything.

Maybe Adonai Mitchell will light things up when Anthony Richardson gets healthy. Or should I say, IF he ever gets healthy? That’s the big question: the next handful of years will come down to Richardson, in the same way, every team’s trajectory and fate ultimately comes down to their QB situation. Hell, Lamar Jackson has two MVPs and he’s never made a Super Bowl, what chance do you dorks have? Anthony, do me a favor, I have no ill will towards the Colts: don’t get tackled. Ever. Just slide and run out of bounds. It’s not worth it to have the Cam Newton career trajectory, that arc ends in a lot of joint pain and embarrassment. Also, don’t be a misogynist in press conferences, or really any time in life or anywhere in general, ever. Never say or believe stupid shit.

I’ve been to Gary, Indiana. That place looks worse than Iraq, what a devastated and destroyed city WITHIN DRIVING DISTANCE OF CHICAGO. Insanity, that anyone lives there.

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Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
1 – Chiefs
2 – Rams
3 – Eagles

Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
4 – Ravens
5 – Texans
6 – Packers
7 – Steelers
8 – Bengals
9 – Bucs
10 – Lions
11 – Seahawks

Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:
12 – 49ers
13 – Browns
14 – Cowboys
15 – Patriots
16 – Commanders

Unlucky/cursed but smarter than the remaining AFC East teams:
17 – Bears
18 – Vikings
19 – Chargers

Real questionable buffoonery since 1973, also known as the AFC East:
20 – Bills
21 – Dolphins
22 – My Stupid Jets