Every NFL Team, Ranked From Smartest To Dumbest: Chargers

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  • By Jared Russo

    Unlucky/cursed but smarter than the remaining AFC East teams:

    #19 Chargers: you know, from San Diego

    I love Jim Harbaugh so much. What a wonderful weirdo. First he brings my Wolverines to glory and now this inane nonsense:

    Anywho, how in the fuck did the San Diego Chargers not win that year they had LT go off, with Rivers and Gates and Schottenheimer. Honestly, how? 2006, that should have been your year! Would have been so nice to have another competitor in the AFC to combat against all of those Patriot wins* they legitimately** won***. But much like Dan Fouts, Philip Rivers, and now Justin Herbert, your franchise has the opposite problem that most others do. You get the franchise guy quite easily! You’re so good at doing that, nail it every single time it’s infuriating. Because then you do next to nothing and their careers are just empty stats and a gold jacket. Brutal. The people of San Diego deserve better. Well, no they don’t because they live in San Diego which has perfect weather year-round but still.

    And now you’re trapped in a Mahomes division, holy hell that is some bad luck. Going to Thesarus.com brings up the following words when I type in “Chargers”:

    • Cursed
    • Bedeviled
    • Voodooed
    • Foredoomed
    • Blasted
    • Confounded
    • Excommunicated
    • Blighted
    • Snakebit

     

    Rough stuff. At least you went with the baby blue unis, that was a smart decision. So was hiring super weirdo Jim Harbaugh! I love him so much. He is such a strange, odd fellow but he understands that you need an offensive line to win and he gets it done. Terrific track record of taking on tough odds, building incredible winners, hiring the right staff to coach, and fostering actual development. He turns around teams quick, he gets the job done, and he wins, but this will be his toughest challenge yet since you have nobody around to either run or catch the ball. And the always fun press conference with bizarro quotes abound! I forgot about those too. I love Jim, he’s why we all watch and love sports.

    Dean Spanos? He is NOT why we watch and love sports, because he sucks.

    Ultimately, I can only really criticize the talent accumulated on the field by the decision-makers off the field, and the Chargers are maybe the greatest at getting the least out of their talent I’ve ever seen. Just a series of great moves and horrible luck with injuries. If having your team doctor accidentally puncture your starters’ lungs before a game leads to your newfound franchise guy blossoming immediately, then that’s a sign. If that isn’t, then I don’t know what is.

    Keenan Allen in the 3rd? Wonderful job…oops he’s already hurt. Melvin Gordon and Joey Bosa in the 1st…oops Joey’s already hurt. Hunter Henry…oh no he’s hurt already, damn that happens so quick. Mike Williams is……wait I’m receiving word now, no he’s also now hurt, limping into the Jets practice facility. Derwin James, some guy named Easton Stick, okay okay who else we got… Joshua Kelly? Can he last no apparently he’s hurt. Josh Palmer, hurt. Isaiah Spiller, hurt. Rashawn Slater, hurt. Tuli Tuipulotu, Asante Samuel Jr., and Quentin Johnston didn’t get super hurt but QJ might be a bust, they will most likely get hurt because that’s just how these things go, and this team chewed up cap space like Pac-Man eating dots. Gobbled that cap space up.

    And now you’re all at square one, again, albeit with the right coach and QB. But we all know how this is going to go. Joe Alt and Ladd McConkey could be all-world players but it won’t matter. You drew the short stick being in the same division as the Manning Broncos and Mahomes Chiefs, and Mahomes will own you until the day he retires. So just try waiting until then, because he isn’t going anywhere and neither are you. He’s at the top and you’re at the beach. Just be happy and enjoy that San Diego Zoo I keep hearing about, that sounds like a better outing for a Sunday than a trip to a stadium owned by Dean Spanos. Yeesh.

    This team has never been to, or played in, Los Angeles. That’s a myth, imaginary, fairy tale. Didn’t happen, not real.

    Man, I did not realize just how miserable Justin must be now. Ladd McConkey, sham name. Like a character in “Baulder’s Gate,” what kind of a 19th-century ass name is that? Did he start the boxer rebellion too? I swear McConkey is the sound Bob Iger made Greedo say in the Cantina for the Disney+ version of “Star Wars.” Why didn’t Jim draft Blake Corrum instead of signing washed-up Ravens backs, just a terrible all-around team, no offense no defense just coaching and vibes.

    Nevermind! You’re fucked. Even your rookie is hurt now. 2026 is your year!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Read more here!
    Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
    1 – Chiefs
    2 – Rams
    3 – Eagles
    Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
    4 – Ravens
    5 – Texans
    6 – Packers
    7 – Steelers
    8 – Bengals
    9 – Bucs
    10 – Lions
    11 – Seahawks
    Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:
    12 – 49ers
    13 – Browns
    14 – Cowboys
    15 – Patriots
    16 – Commanders
    Unlucky/cursed but smarter than the remaining AFC East teams:
    17 – Bears
    18 – Vikings
    August 11, 2024, 1:29 pm