Dunce cap-wearing teams, just dumber than a bag of bricks:

#30 Broncos country, let’s ride

I am still not done dunking on Zach Wilson, let me continue to do so now.

HE STILL SUCKS!!!!!!!!!! STINKS, CANNOT PLAY, HE SHOULD NOT HAVE A JOB EVER. Get him out of sports. Sean Payton was going to take Patrick Mahomes but thinks this kid can do well? Get the fuck outta here with that bullshit. And can we still roast him for picking Taysom Hill, a tight end, to play professional quarterback after Drew Brees over actual professional quarterbacks? Taysom Hill??? Yeah okay, we get it, you’re smart because you did that onside kick to open the second half of that Super Bowl, but come on, how was Taysom Fucking Hill not the red flag to alert everyone that you’re just openly trolling us now? Neither Zach Wilson nor Taysom Hill can hit the ocean if they threw the ball from the beach. These men are truck drivers, or grocery baggers, or delivery men, or janitors. Put them in cubicles in your office building downtown, not on a field. Actually, don’t, because they would probably suck balls there too. They’re so loathsome, I hate them.

Do you know what else grinds my gears? Pretention. Is there anything worse than an allegedly smart man saying “I knew all along, I was right, trust me you have to believe me! I knew this whole time!!!” Because to me, that seems like total horseshit disguised as a pretentious outburst of attention-grabbing. So now I present to you Sean “I was going to take Mahomes I swear I knew he was great” Payton and John “I was going to take Josh Allen I swear I knew he was good” Elway.

I regret not buying Apple stock in 1991, I knew it was worth it trust me I swear. Piss off with that revisionist history woe-is-me bullshit, fuck those smug smarmy guys, and fuck half of the US having to root for this team because no one lives in Wyoming, Montana, Idaho, the Dakotas, Nebraska, Utah, and most of Colorado. So much wide open space in our Union that surrounds Colorado with no major cities, so that just means millions automatically root for this team, which is dumb. They get 2 Senators and electoral college votes but don’t root for the Raiders, Chargers, or Cardinals. But also fuck those teams for not challenging the Broncos and competing to court more fans, pathetic all around.

Do you remember the outburst Ned Flanders had on that one episode of The Simpsons, where he just snapped and exploded, unloading insults at everyone in Springfield? Well, I’d like to think every NFL executive, agent, and insider has one ready-to-go about know-it-all Sean Payton and the Walmart family, who waltz around as if their franchise doesn’t smell like shit. Even though it is now, once Peyton Manning gracefully exited stage left. Von Miller is not walking through that door anymore, and thank goodness because watching Denver fans be happy would be insufferable. I’m glad the Chiefs own you now. That’s what the Nuggets get for blowing that Game 7 lead against the Timberwolves which allowed the Celtics to cruise to a title. Shameful behavior.

Listen, I could go on and on about Paxton Lynch, or Trevor Siemian, or Drew Lock or Brock Osweiler, but I’m not going to do that. I’m also not going to talk about any of your successes, the few that exist, like future Jet Connor McGovern, Michigan hero Jake Butt, stud who you let walk Bradley Chubb, yearly fantasy bust Courtland Sutton, perennial back-up Royce Freeman, waiver wire pick-up Noah Fant, or walking disappointment Jerry Jeudy. And no, you don’t get any credit whatsoever for taking Patrick Surtain or Javonte Williams! Sorry, that all goes down the drain (alongside Marvin Mims’ career) because the Broncos made the single worst trade in NFL history. The Bryce Young trade… well he is still young pun intended, so for now, the Russell Wilson deal is numbero uno.

The amount of money, draft capital, and trust wasted is spectacularly stupid, breathtakingly so. The hubris involved is just staggering. What on earth compelled so-called “””genius””” Sean Payton to do this is beyond me, except wait a second no I do know why. It’s because he coached a short QB to a Super Bowl once and Wilson is a short QB who won a Super Bowl once and that’s all the logic you need, folks! Those things being equal means it’ll happen again automatically and no one will age or play with worse talent forever.

Holy shit (smacks forehead) why didn’t I think of that before??? How could everyone on planet Earth be so stupid as to not see that this was a perfect pairing all along! Shocking this blew up in his face when Wilson was clearly over the hill, the Seahawks never trusted him and were happily willing to move on from his massive contract. They got vaulted to the top half of this list just because of that. And then Payton, always one to chase good money after bad money, overreaches for Bo Nix, who will be on the list of names we look at twenty years from now and think “they all played quarterback for the Denver Broncos? Like, after John Elway and Peyton Manning?”

Don’t get me started on the long and smug shadow John Elway casts over this entire operation, he runs this team just as well as Michael Jordan runs the Hornets/Bobcats/Hornets. Which is to say, quite terribly. If Homer Simpson was disappointed he owned the team, then so should the people who actually own the team now. Just a pathetic waste of everybody’s time, money, and effort. You can’t quickly overspend for football players or make flashy hires to trick us into believing this will work. It won’t.

You play Mahomes twice a year, you will never make the playoffs with Payton and deserve to lose. The Walmart family should focus on exploiting labor for profit like they’re used to and not bringing that strategy to the NFL.

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Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
1 – Chiefs
2 – Rams
3 – Eagles

Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
4 – Ravens
5 – Texans
6 – Packers
7 – Steelers
8 – Bengals
9 – Bucs
10 – Lions
11 – Seahawks

Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:
12 – 49ers
13 – Browns
14 – Cowboys
15 – Patriots
16 – Commanders

Unlucky/cursed but smarter than the remaining AFC East teams:
17 – Bears
18 – Vikings
19 – Chargers

Real questionable buffoonery since 1973, also known as the AFC East:
20 – Bills
21 – Dolphins
22 – My Stupid Jets

Irrelevant, boring, inconsequential, but mainly stupid otherwise:
23 – Colts
24 – Jaguars
25 – Cardinals
26 – Saints
27 – Raiders
28 – Titans

Dunce cap-wearing teams, just dumber than a bag of bricks:
29 – Giants