Unlucky/cursed but smarter than the remaining AFC East teams:

#17 Da Bears: the Windy City blows through more hot air, news at 11, weather on the 1’s

Da Bears! My girlfriend’s family are all Chicagoans and I have to watch my words very carefully, picking and choosing the right way to frame things, tiptoe around the land mines, and not piss anybody off reading this. I’m gonna go light on Bears fans (since thankfully this team is on the upswing). But, I’ll include one dig out of respect for my readers. Here we go, I’m about to bring the heat…

Bear down? More like BEARS DOWN.

Yeah, take that Chicagoans! [checks to make sure the coast is clear] Okay I think my future in-laws stopped reading, we can move on now.

Right off the bat, I have to point out that my stinky Jets and the stinky Bears share the exact same destiny, being famous franchises from big American cities who have only won a single famous Super Bowl and have never had a decent QB in their history. Just allergic to guys who throw the football professionally, it’s amazing. Chicago had Rex Grossman get them to a Super Bowl and we had Joe Namath get drunk on live television. He also, fun fact, lost more games than he won and threw more picks than touchdowns. Look it up, it’s true! That’s Joe Namath’s entire career summed up, aka our greatest quarterback. Yours is (probably) Jim McMahon, who looks more like a WWF wrestler than a signal caller with a ring on his finger. That defense carried him, and so did the ’80s being an era of unblighted nonstop rushing. Just run run run never throw. That’s been your game plan for 100+ years.

It’s never a good sign when the everyday NFL fan knows by name the most important people in your organization. Either that means they’re in the news (for something bad off the field), broke the rules (did a bad thing on the field) or is trending online for being a total ass hat. The amount of complaining from Chicago transplants who come to live and work in Manhattan is far too high and way too much, and I’ve heard enough shit slung at Ryan Pace and Matt Nagy and John Fox and Matt Eberflus and Ryan Poles and Marc Trestman to last me a lifetime. All of these people are bad at their jobs and should be fired! They suck eggs, and everyone knows it! Why are we pretending otherwise? I don’t want to hear it anymore. Go back to the Midwest already!

Taking Caleb Williams and Rome Odunze in the first round could have been done by an autodrafting computer if you fed it enough mock drafts, so that’s not exactly rocket science. The reason the Bears are in the “unlucky/cursed” section and not in the “smart teams” section is because of two main reasons: first, the Honey Bears curse, which is a real thing and you should investigate that after you finish reading this (what is it with Chicagoans and curses?). No way the fine people of the good parts of the Midwest are that superstitious, maybe it’s just that you’re all gigantic… no no no no no, not falling for it, I’m not saying anything bad about Chicago. I would like to get married someday and I cannot jeopardize that by aiming my anger and confusion towards a very smart fanbase with high expectations. The blame goes towards the second, and main, reason the Bears are this low after having a sensational draft.

And that reason is………….drumroll please…………….. TRADING UP TO TAKE MITCHELL TRUBISKY!!!!!!!!!!!! Congrats, I am going to become the joker through secondhand embarrassment reliving one of the dumbest moments in NFL history. Nobody thought this rando was any good, let alone great. Everybody knew the 49ers were not going to take a quarterback at #2 that year, especially one as thoroughly milquetoast and white-bread as Mitch. But you gave up #3, a 2nd rounder (who would become Alvin Kamara), a 4th, and a 3rd. For him? He went to North Carolina, a basketball school, which has produced exactly zero pro NFL QBs ever. But THIS was the guy you traded your souls for? We all saw it coming but immediately, as soon as they turned the card in, negative one trillion IQ points. Hell should have opened its gaping maw and swallowed the draft room whole right then and there.

It’s up there on the list of worst moves ever, and I’ve seen the Titans take Jake Locker!

There really is nothing else that needs to be said about the mayonnaise-scented smell Mitchell brought to what would have been a good team otherwise, so for the past ten years the Bears were just pure garbage despite taking Leonard Floyd, Deon Bush, Tarik Cohen, Roquan Smith, David Montgomery, Cole Kmet, Darnell Mooney, Justin Fields, Khalil Herbert, Darnell Wright and Roschon Johnson. None of it matters! Kevin White got hurt and he didn’t see the field. The Mitch trade just overrules all of that, blanks all praise or criticism. A black hole of stupidity, sending countless years of our lives into oblivion because they didn’t matter. The double doink game? Who cares, you traded up for Trubisky and set the franchise back years. Smart hire? Good draft pick? Who cares, you traded up for Trubisky and set the franchise back years! We all knew he was bad and yet you did it anyway, hahahahahahahahaha.

I hope Caleb and Rome turn out to be the next Burrow and Chase because that would make it easier for me to leave my Jets fandom and just root for an NFC team from now on. Easier path, too. Forget competing against Mahomes every year, I’ll take anyone else thank you very much. At least you ripped off the Panthers so badly that the owner is contemplating outright murder in a blinding rage every single day since you acquired DJ Moore and a crazy amount of future capital to surround Caleb with a real squad.

Don’t waste it, Bears, or I’ll never hear the end of it at every Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up. I’ve already heard complaints at dinner with future in-laws about Virginia Halas McCaskey being 101 years old, the next owners, who controls the team, and blah blah blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda can she die already and move on with her 11 kids? She’s so old she attended the first NFL Championship game in 1932, probably had a poster of Babe Ruth on her wall, and used the term “coloreds” more than once in her life (which is too much, the number of times a person should say that out loud is zero).

Read more here!

Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
1 – Chiefs
2 – Rams
3 – Eagles

Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
4 – Ravens
5 – Texans
6 – Packers
7 – Steelers
8 – Bengals
9 – Bucs
10 – Lions
11 – Seahawks

Dumb AND evil, what a combo!:
12 – 49ers
13 – Browns
14 – Cowboys
15 – Patriots
16 – Commanders