November 30, 2022, 2:33 pm
*If we can’t win…at least we can whine*
Do you ever feel like you’re the fantasy manager equivalent of Ron Livingston’s character at the beginning of Office Space? Constantly maneuvering between lanes? A Constanza-esque level of instinct? No matter which route you choose, you’ll be routed. At times, we all can feel like Haley from Paramore in that we’re in the business of misery. In this season of fantasy hoops, business is good.
**Note – Please Find the Sunday Sob Story Tiers at the End of This Article**
Folks, as much as we are tempted to shrink into the warmth of our fleece joggers, or hide underneath our flannel covers in the solace of solitude, I invite you – the fantasy basketball beatdown brood – to join me and commiserate in this: The Fantasy Basketball Misery Loves Company Contingent (misery also loves long titles and labels). This is a place to set aside decorum, to not congratulate our opponents (they lucked into their win anyway, right) or operate in the realm of reason and heaven forbid….logic. NO! We are here to ask the age-old question, “WHY ME?” Because as we know this could only happen to ME (misery also loves me me me).
A little fodder to further our friendship in the first fantasy b-ball misery contingent (misery also loves alliteration). On two consecutive Sundays, Darius Garland (11/13) and then Klay Thompson (11/20), managed to convert 10 3-pointers in a single game. 3-pointers are often touted as a stat that is “easy” to find on the waiver wire. But it is not often that we see a double-digit performance, let alone two just seven days apart. But here’s where the Twilight Zone music kicks in. I’m gonna be honest with you…it’s time for a lot of ellipses… because please…how in the actual Super Mario Bros. 3 flute to warp between worlds was I the recipient of BOTH 3-point explosions?!?! It doesn’t make sense. But for the fantasy misery contingent community, maybe it does.
We have worked so hard. We drafted Keldon Johnson and Kelly Oubre. We avoided injury prone guys like Anthony Edwards. And then we have a Suns v Lakers matchup in which, well, tissues are available. I know injuries happen. We shouldn’t dwell on our players getting hurt…I’m kidding of course…We simply must dwell on our players getting hurt! It could only happen to me…um…us
So what do we do about this? Do we continue crying? Sulking in a Shaggin’ Wagon, only to be traded for a hog that gets 70 miles to the gallon??? The answer, of course, is a resounding YES! My friends, this is not a flash in a pan. Not a Jill Goodacre, once in a lifetime, stuck together in an ATM vestibule situation. This seems to happen over and over again.
So I propose to you this – I will be here every week to lay out the Bill & Ted’s seemingly unwinnable duel vs Death (misery also loves movies) that has become my fantasy season, and I ask that you will do this for me – tell me your fantasy misery. Yes, life outside of fantasy can and dang well should be great! But that’s not always the case inside these padded walls of our heads in which our fantasy-driven brains reside. It’s a half-court heave at the buzzer that ruins your field goal percentage for the week. It’s two consecutive Sundays in which players you’re facing hit 10 3s…and misery loves three’s company.
Thank you for reading through the insanity that is a fantasy basketball manager’s mind and I sincerely hope we get to lament together over and over and over and over and over again. You can find me and the player parody Weird Al Index on Twitter @mattmatawaran.
Sunday Sob Story Tiers
It happens – Anthony Davis goes off
It probably shouldn’t happen – Max Strus hit all his 3s to sink you by 1 trey
It cannot have happened – Keldon went another 2-of-17 from the field to lose the week by a fraction
It’ll happen when Tony Snell freezes over – Zubac (my guy) has 29 boards
The Marvin Bagley Zone – he double-doubles and it puts you in last place