Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:

#9 Bucs: not to be confused with the Milwaukee Bucks

People take this for granted, but it is truly stunning that newer NFL expansion teams, the Baltimore Ravens and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, won two Super Bowls each since the year 2000 and lifelong NFL teams like the Arizona Cardinals, Cincinnati Bengals, Houston Oilers, Cleveland Browns, Minnesota Vikings and Detroit Lions, have not. It boggles my mind. Are Tampa and Baltimore populated enough cities to warrant that kind of immediate and sustained success? Let me investigate that, because that would be way more fun than actually talking about this team and its blood-boiling competency.

Most Populated Cities in the United States of America

1. New York City – okay no surprises there
2. Los Angeles – none here either
3. Chicago – chalk so far
4. Houston – A lot of people live in Texas, which alarms me, but I keep forgetting that Texas is super populated, just crazy crowded
5. Phoenix – Arizona overtaking Philly (who is next) to make the top five should be a wake-up call to this nation, that should not be the case
6.  Philadelphia – what happened to you, Eagles fans? For shame. I knew something was up when us Knicks fans invaded your arena, that would never happen even five years ago, come on now
7. San Antonio – Legitimately shocking this is so high on the list, a lot of rubber-necker Spurs fans out there, just big fans of boring basketball. I wonder who San Antonians root for football-wise
8. San Diego – The fact that LA isn’t even three times as big as San Diego means the Chargers move is more appalling. Pathetic, and so are the Padres.
9. Dallas – Damn, you’d expect capital D Dallas to be above SA, right? Cowboy fans are so loud, maybe that exaggerates the number of people who live there
10. Jacksonville – Launch this city into the sun, how dare they have almost a million people living there when there are like 500+ better cities in North America alone, disgusting
11. Austin – what the fuck, why is Texas on here so often? Frightening that this is the state most likely to secede from the union (again)
12. Forth Worth – okay this is ridiculous, just combine this with Dallas already, give up the ghost
13. San Jose – How are there not more Sharks fans out in the world??? My god, we get it California you’re the fifth biggest economy in the world but San Jose? Really?
14. Columbus – Stunning this city only has a hockey team NHL fans actively cannot remember plays in the league. If you live in Ohio, consider moving
15. Charlotte – This one makes sense, I don’t have anything snarky to say
16. Indianapolis – Indiana seems like it sucks, I’ve never been, but people have to live somewhere I guess. What do I know, I’m just an obnoxious East Coast liberal elite who owns articles of clothing that say “New York vs. everybody” and “New York Forever”
17. San Francisco – hilarious to see that this city has lost almost 8% of its population because it’s the most expensive place to live
18. Seattle – this is the best-kept secret America has, I hope nobody finds out it’s actually a wonderful place to visit
19. Denver – same for Denver
20. Oklahoma City – Okay it makes a bit more sense that an NBA team would go here, still stings not having the SuperSonics but what are you going to do about it
21. Nashville – I love the movie “Nashville,” that’s one of my all-time favorites
22. Washington D.C. – this should be a state with two senators
23. El Paso – Dude I can’t with these Texas cities, every crime film in the past 15 years is set here
24. Las Vegas
25. Boston
26. Detroit
27. Portland
28. Louisville – a big city without a sports team!
29. Memphis
30. Baltimore
31. Milwaukee
32. Albuquerque – another big city without a sports team!
33. Tucson
34. Fresno
35. Sacramento
36. Mesa – literally never heard of this place
37. Atlanta
38. Kansas City
39. Colorado Springs
40. Omaha
41. Raleigh
42. Miami
43. Virginia Beach
44. Long Beach
45. Oakland
46. Minneapolis
47. Bakersfield – okay is this a joke, where is Tampa
48. Tulsa
49. Tampa – 49??????? You’re telling me 400,000 people in Western Florida got gifted a Super Bowl-winning team? Horseshit, the NFL is preposterous, we haven’t even gotten to Wichita, New Orleans, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Honolulu, Anaheim, Orlando, Pittsburgh, Buffalo, or a dozen other places. What a crock of shit.

Anywho, since taking Mike Evans in 2014, Tampa has taken good players and built up a good team just in time for the greatest cheater to ever play professional sports since Shoeless Joe Jackson to slide in and just yell at everybody angrily. “The TB12 system!!! Vote Trump!!! Drink this magical goo! I love my family!!!” We will get to him much later but know that if you continue to read this series, I will take as many shots at Brady as I can until my dying breath.

The Jameis Winston pick was a gigantic whiff, but so was the other option at the time Marcus Marioto. Kwon Alexander, Chris Godwin, Vita Vea, Jordan Whitehead, Devin White, Tristan Wirfs, all studs. However Rachaad White, Cade Otton, Kyle Trask, Ke’Shawn Vaughn, Matt Gay, Ronald Jones, and OJ Howard? Fantasy football waiver wire fodder.

Remember when they took Roberto Aguayo in the 2nd round? How did that not come back to bite them in the ass, I’ll never know. But the future doesn’t suck for the Bucs, because they got underrated free agent Baker Mayfield on a good deal and they won a playoff game. Good for them. Mike Evans is a Hall of Famer and that makes me jealous.

Tampa is a cesspool with the most strip clubs in the world, but they know how to win football games at the highest level. If only Jameis Winston wasn’t a criminal and totally blind, and I didn’t have to put an asterisk on your Brady years because he probably planted bugs in the opposing locker rooms, then I would respect the Bucs. But I don’t. The Tampa Bay Cuck-eneers (as “Succession” likes to call them) will be much worse this year, and in a horrible division, I doubt they can top the Falcons. The Falcons! Spoiler alert: they are in my bottom two of the dumbest teams in the league, so tune in every day to see if they are #31 or #32!!!!!!

Read more here!

Smartest teams with recent rings to show for it:
1 – Chiefs
2 – Rams
3 – Eagles

Mostly lucky but somewhat wise/savvy:
4 – Ravens
5 – Texans
6 – Packers
7 – Steelers
8 – Bengals